What am I doing?

Stop sitting here staring into space. Man up and do this.
You don't want to do something that you'll probably regret for the rest of your life.

There are some chances you have to take. There are some you just shouldn't even consider.
Frankly, you won't be missing much anyways.

Abstinence

I'm quitting Facebook for now. I came to the realization that opening Google Chrome every 5 minutes to go stalk pictures of people, trade ingredients with myself or comment on their statuses for hours on end wasn't really the best use of my time, especially since exams are coming up in less than 4 weeks. After all, there are some people who can survive without having one completely, right? They're not exactly dead from deprivation yet, so I'm guessing I'm not going to die by not logging on for a single month. Thus, I have bid farewell to the blue and white and greeted my semi-colourful textbooks with half-opened arms. I'm sure it can't be that bad... I'll just have to find a better way to kill time when my mind does burn out every few hours. YouTube, Blogger, Twitter, "the N-game," and MSN are still open to me, anyways. Here's hoping that abstinence truly is the best policy.



Keys together, abstinence!

Hello alien

People these days are so interesting. 

The "Naughty Noughties" are no more

2009... Wow, what a year. Lots of new experiences and good memories, lots of people dying, lots of new people in my life, and a good number of not-so-good times. But would I say it was an awesome, life-changing year? In some ways, yes; but the slightly scary thing is that 2010 will be even more of a revolutionary year. And, good riddance, I'm ready to embrace it with open arms.

My New Years Resolutions? I say they're pretty important, especially since it's a whole new decade and everything. Here it goes:

1. Exercise more - do I want to be a skinny-armed, fat-bodied Asian boy forever?
2. Finish my EE - that shiz just has to get off of my plate and out of my mind!
3. Stop committing that one sin - it's funny how I've tried to shake it off for so long, and yet I've never succeeded. It's popped up on so many "resolution" lists that it's practically become recurring. Why do all the worst things in life just feel so good. On the other hand, what kind of temptation can stand in the face of the Lord, anyways? Mmhmm; black sin, you're going down this year, this decade, this life.

And there we go, nice and simple. Can't be that hard, eh?

HCYGSL?

 (not the real HCYGSL beeg)

Recently, I found out about something you said to somebody else that you shouldn't've. It didn't really involve me, but I thought we made an agreement that the stories of my horror and repulsion should stay between us. I already had a strong feeling that this was a distinct possibility, but I trusted you and I thought you wouldn't. Even when I asked you if you had actually committed such an action, you denied it; albeit casually, but the answer was "no." Maybe it was a mistake of my doing on the first place, but I didn't even want to face the possibility of reaping the consequences as a result of what you've done in response to what I've done. Although it may have been accidental (which I doubt), what's done is done. It's been months now and I don't really care that much anymore. I don't think I have the emotions to spare for true anger or annoyance, but I only have two questions for you: why, and how can you go so low?

hey y'all

lizzles kim is the coolest bizznatch out thereeeee beeges

And it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong.

Wow, I just realized that I haven't blogged for a longgg time. Guess I haven't really had the chance to, nor an actually good reason for doing so. I'm sure I said this somewhere, but my life, although "stressful," isn't really super noteworthy. What's so exciting about hearing all the stuff that I have to do? That would make for a pretty lame blog.

Nevertheless, I'm still pretty stressed about my EE. I wanted to talk to him yesterday, but he was busy during TOK. I was supposed to go today at lunch, but I had a nervous breakdown because of math (which wasn't even that bad...) and then he was busy during E block. I then planned to visit him tomorrow, but I realized that he's not going to be here. T_T Ugh. I can't really do much at the moment; if this were an English EE, it'd be the equivalent of me not having the novel I need to start, since I don't have the sheet music for "A Prisoner from Warsaw," and I can't find it anywhere! Sigh.

The dreaded math "final" was today. To my delight, there weren't any super long 20-mark questions; in fact, all of them were 4-6 marks, and all of the were "relatively" easy. I hope I did well. :) Strangely, studying for it reminded me of my days in grade 9. Whether or not I thought that was a good year is definitely debatable... It was undoubtedly a year of change in more ways than one, and definitely not simply from making the transition into high school.

I've been sick the past few days. On Sunday, I woke up at 12:45PM, and literally spent the entire day in bed. I studied chem and math in preparation for their respective tests this week, but I swear I was half-delusional at the time. I wasn't coughing as much, but my throat was sore, and I was sneezing so much that I used up an entire box of tissues in only a couple of days. :( I went to school to write the chem test on Monday, but I couldn't take it anymore and went home after that block. Even though I wanted to just lie on my bed and sleep (especially after drinking some effective sleep-inducing Chinese herbal medication), I felt the need to desperately study for math. And so that's what I did... for 10 hours. Sigh.

The next day, it was the grad breakfast. The overly dry food made me feel sick and left a horrible taste in my mouth for the rest of the day and being sick and tired made me feel not that well for the duration of the meal, but other than that it was okay, I suppose. We got our letters that we wrote to ourselves in grade 9. After partially burning the envelop by accidentally placing it in a candle, I realized that what I had written was completely and utterly lame. I guess not much has changed really, but looking back at my grade 9 self, I realized that I've definitely grown a lot these past 4 years. Then again, rational and critical thinking after getting up at 6AM is definitely prone to mistake, so who knows.

Our happy table.

Being in my pajamas that day definitely made me a lot sleepier the entire day, though... I definitely fell asleep in history, sigh. The video we were watching talked about stuff that I, for the most part, already knew though, so it's okay.

Right now, I should be studying biology, doing other homework or practicing piano. I've got a master class on Sunday for my Beethoven sonata (eek!), and I've also got a festival in mid-November for that same piece. In addition, I have to prep for Model UN, find outfits for grad pictures and other grad-related events, and other such things. And instead, here I am, blogging. Sigh. One day, I'll end up like Anne with the way my time-management skills are going... But after such trials and tribulations, I think I deserve some kind of a break, right? :P

Well, I guess I should tackle some of my homework mountain now. *The Climb starts playing in the background..."

Up Out My Face

One thing that I've definitely learned this year:

Making friends because I want to have them as friends, not just for the sake of being friends.

It's not worth it to try to be friendly to somebody if they're not going to reciprocate it, they do something to wrong you or you just really don't like them.

Epiphany

It's times like these when I wish I had a male friend to confide in.

Yes, that does sound awkward.

EDIT: I found a substitute.

Languishing

If you could only see
That I was not put here for you
To judge me and dispute my inner most truth

And after all these years of enmity, envy and tears
It's a shame you don't know me at all

I was wondering
Would you cry for me?
If I told you that I couldn't breathe
If I was drowning, suffocating
If I told you that I couldn't breathe

Those ancient buried recollections
We transform them and select them
You have yours, I have mine
That's fine
While we're too torn to heal
Our stitch has never disappeared
I have mine, you have yours
I'm sure

And I was like, "Why are you so obsessed with me?"

To the one that I have to hide from on a Sunday night.

To the one(s?) that will only talk to me about school.

To the ones that will only ask me for help.

To the one that will only talk in circles.

To the one that holds a barren grudge.

To the one that will only talk to me about useless subjects I frankly don't want to listen to when I've got piles of homework.

To the one that looks upon me like an older brother, and uses my image as theirs.

To the one that won't let me drive.

Angels Cry

Lightning don't strike the same place twice,
When you and I said goodbye, I felt the angels cry
True love's a gift, but we let it drift
In the storm, every night, I feel the angels cry

Limitless, omnipresent kind of love:
Couldn't've guessed it would just stop and disappear in a world when
Here I am, walking on this narrow road;
Wobbling but won't let go,
Waiting for a glimpse of the sun's slow rise

The wave: it will go up, only to go down again. Will it arise again or will it just reach the shore?

Is it just a modernist reaction?

I'm writing this on the grounds that nobody else will read it.

I believe that blogs are a satellite for your mind. At 1:33am, when I look at my MSN list and see only 21 people online, I believe that only a very few stations are interpreting my frequencies. Sometimes, it's kind of soothing to have that feeling of being alone, where you're (supposedly) the most honest with yourself. Wow, I went on a tangent, didn't I? Hm.

The expressionist movement in art. Blurred images. The blending of contrasting ideas. Turmoil, chaos. An inability to see what is being shown.

Sometimes, I don't understand things that go on in my life. The possibilities of this or that proceeding unbeknown to me are the things that scare me. These are the types of factors that ruined my grade 10 year. I never knew. I guessed, but I never found out. I asked, but the answers were vague. In my life, I've come to realize that I can't simply accept vagueness. Everything has to have a reasoning, as according to God's plan. I know that He has my best interests in heart, but I never know where they'll take me. I usually prefer the solidity of reassurances.

Actions have consequences; some are negative. These are the ones we don't think of beforehand, because we're foolish that way. When you're feeling a certain way, you disregard the results of your actions, because you're driven by that feeling of natural human instinct that one shares closely with that of the animals. Now that you've done this action and reaped the consequences, the only thing you can feel is regret and confusion.

Five minutes after, you probably told all your friends and remarked about what a bad, annoying person I am. Then again, perhaps I am. And then we talked. Yet to me, something seemed different. Maybe it's just the subject matter. Maybe it's just the way it was said. Maybe I just didn't understand it. But I'm sure it was different.

I just don't understand you sometimes. The song Hot n' Cold really comes into play here. There are times when we laugh, we joke, we talk amiably, and, dare I say, it's "hot". Then there are those times where I'm horrible, or you're cold. And those are the times where I really have to put everything into question.

I've always said that if I could have any superpower, it'd be mind-reading. No, it's not just because I want to baat. I just want the answer. Once again, I hold proper answers and solutions rather firmly. No more of this modality. No more of being indefinite. I'm tired of being unsure. I don't like living like this, as if I'm walking on a narrow cliff where one misstep results in imminent failure.

Maybe one day I'll find the answer, or maybe this is just all in my head (which it probably is). But somehow, it's going to have to stay that way. And I'm going to have to accept that for what it is.

I only want to know.

Me.