Finally

I'm brushing my teeth and typing at the same time. It's somewhat failing.

When I woke up this morning, I had another nosebleed. >< At least this one didn't interrupt my slumber in the middle of the night. My mom told me the Chinese cold medications that I had been taking makes your nose dry in order to counter nasal congestion, so that was probably why I kept getting nosebleeds randomly. I think the loss of blood affected me a lot in chem because I started feeling super dizzy throughout the entire class. By lunch I was fine, but it was a weird feeling of weakness.

Today was Christmas spirit day. I came in a green sheet and tinsel and tried to laud myself as a Christmas tree, but I gave up and instead passed for the "ghost of Christmas present." T_T

I went and talked to him about my essay today, particularly why my "language" criteria was so low this time around. Were my fob days returning? He said that he might've marked me too hard on language, but my essay's flaws were a lack of flow, vagueness in some of the things I said and repeating myself. He also mentioned that it wouldn't affect my predicted mark too badly because all the other important things I had done had been "good," including (surprisingly) my IOC. I guess I should stop worrying... Hopefully my next essay doesn't end up like that, too.

When I came home, I wasted time playing Sims, but I think some external force wants me to do more productive things and kept giving me problems. In the meantime, I cleaned out my drawer, and it was an intense experience. I always throw random things in there like pieces of paper and other small trinkets, so I ended up uncovering a lot of those today. I certainly keep a lot of... crap. Yes. It was dusty.

I then attempted to practice piano, but I feel asleep three times. The first time was I went to the couch to take a break, but I ended up falling asleep. After that, I'm pretty sure I fell asleep while playing a slow-tempo prelude. The final and most sounding time was the third, when I put my head down on the stand and completely fell asleep. When my mom woke me up 10 minutes later, I started playing again, but I had unknowingly drooled in my sleep (yes, I do that; my mouth hangs open). As I played, I noticed something wet on the keys, and... yeah. Ironically, I felt much more awake afterwards, although I still felt completely horrible for the rest of that piano practice. :( I hope I don't get owned in my lesson tomorrow. After that, 4 hour daily practice sessions, here I come.

I'm glad it's a work Christmas break now, though. :) Time to work on my EE for every possible moment sleep in and cherish familial time. Harhar.

I've added reaction labels now, so my blog stalkers readers can anonymously tell me about what they think of my lame posts on my mundane, IB-absorbed life, which is stuck in paralysis. So far, I have 3 for lame, 1 for interesting, and 0 for wow!. I guess that's to be expected when I all I blog about is nothing. Oh well.

Inadequacy

Right now, I'm sitting here coughing away in front of my computer while listening to the gurgling of the humidifier and thinking about when dinner is. This humidifier somewhat fails; while my room does feel a little less dry, the air that comes out is cold. :( Brr; I'm freezing now. Being cold is definitely not a good condition to be in during an illness, if this can even be counted as one. I don't necessarily feel horrible, but sometimes that "sick feeling" washes over me at completely random times, and I feel absolutely exhausted. In addition to those fun things, my eyes are sore, my sinuses are constantly clogged, my ear feels really stuffy, my voice is dying, and I keep having random coughs of varying severity. X_X Ugh. I read in a useless biology case study that stress reduces the amount of white blood cells in your body. Obviously, I wouldn't be surprised if that were happening to me.

Well, now it's time to complain about (academic) life, which is all I do on here anyways. A while ago, I blogged about how I felt incompetent. Going through the past few months, that feeling slowly ebbed away. Unfortunately, it came back today in English class, when I got one of my lowest essay marks ever. Okay, so it's better than that life-shattering 12/25 I got last year, but only slightly. And that's the thing: such a mark decided to impose itself on me at a highly inconvenient time, since it's the middle of Year 2, and predicted marks are coming up pretty darn soon. I don't even know if I deserved the mark or not; he seemed to mark me down mainly for being a bit vague on some things. I overheard him mentioning grammatical issues to other people, but he didn't even say anything extremely significant to me... He then proceeded to round it off by saying that on some days with some topics, I may not be able to succeed. Still, I don't see how in the world I could go from 6s and 7s to... this. I thought everybody's supposed to be moving forwards, not taking steps backwards. I honestly feel like giving back my IB English 11 award and giving it to somebody who actually deserves it, not some loner fob of a failure.

Nevertheless, I'll have to admit that something's up with my English and language skills. It seems like I can't connect ideas and make them flow as well anymore. I'm guessing it's a combined factor of how I always thought in French for the latter part of the last schooling year, the fact that I spend most of my time at home during weekends simply sitting in my room and not communicating with anybody and my concentration on other subjects besides English.

On top of all that, I'm completely hopeless for piano now. I may have memorized all of my pieces at some point in time, but I'll have random splurges where I'll just forget what to play next. Also, there are some works that I can't even play that well in the first place. I know I need more time to practice, but how am I supposed to fit that in with schooling? Four hours of practice each weekday would simply be impossible unless I subjected myself to even later sleeping times...

Yes, it's sad how school and academics seem to affect me so much. What's the reason? Why can't I just let go and live? Is it a desire to live up to the expectations of my parents? Is it a worry for my future? Is it just my personality?

As melodramatic as it sounds, sometimes I wish I could just shake the shackles off and live: to feel the wind on my face as I forget about it all... If only.

HCYGSL?

 (not the real HCYGSL beeg)

Recently, I found out about something you said to somebody else that you shouldn't've. It didn't really involve me, but I thought we made an agreement that the stories of my horror and repulsion should stay between us. I already had a strong feeling that this was a distinct possibility, but I trusted you and I thought you wouldn't. Even when I asked you if you had actually committed such an action, you denied it; albeit casually, but the answer was "no." Maybe it was a mistake of my doing on the first place, but I didn't even want to face the possibility of reaping the consequences as a result of what you've done in response to what I've done. Although it may have been accidental (which I doubt), what's done is done. It's been months now and I don't really care that much anymore. I don't think I have the emotions to spare for true anger or annoyance, but I only have two questions for you: why, and how can you go so low?

hey y'all

lizzles kim is the coolest bizznatch out thereeeee beeges

Stalemate

n.

1. A situation in which further action is blocked; a deadlock.

2. My present academic and social life.

Incompetence

So lately I've been feeling so incompetent. That thing about the strong-horse weak-horse is really getting to me. Maybe I'm not working as hard? Maybe I'm just getting stupid? Maybe I'm overreacting? I'm sure it's probably a combination of all three.

Upon receiving my math portfolio, I realized I didn't do that bad. However, a small part of me had wished for a better mark... Once again, it's not horrendous; it's just that I hope I don't get completely owned by moderation.

A similar thing happened with my English commentary on Othello: didn't do absolutely horrible, but could've done better. Definitely missed out on a few things that should've been obvious...

Thinking about the future, namely predicted marks, exams, grad, university acceptance... It's all pretty daunting. Maybe I just need to concentrate on the present for now. Haha.

And I was like, "Why are you so obsessed with me?"

To the one that I have to hide from on a Sunday night.

To the one(s?) that will only talk to me about school.

To the ones that will only ask me for help.

To the one that will only talk in circles.

To the one that holds a barren grudge.

To the one that will only talk to me about useless subjects I frankly don't want to listen to when I've got piles of homework.

To the one that looks upon me like an older brother, and uses my image as theirs.

To the one that won't let me drive.

Alone

Today, I woke up feeling strangely depressed. I didn't even have much to do today, in terms of homework. I guess the stress was finally replaced by "true emotion," as dramatic as that sounds.

After I wasted a couple of hours, I realized why I wasn't feeling as chipper as usual. I think it all has to do with how I'm completely alone in my own neighbourhood and my own city. I felt like an island, surrounded by sea with no neighbours in sight. And not even a touristy, lush, tropical island either; more like an ugly, bare rock outcropping that nobody goes to, like this:

Thinking back on it, I've never really had that much of a purpose for friends that live right next door. Who needs such people when I've got them in other areas? Of course, today I realized that these other cities are pretty far. I don't want to go all the way out to Vancouver or Surrey everytime I went to get bubble tea with somebody.

So, after 3 years of living here, I still haven't really made a good friend in my neighbourhood. Hm. I suppose I had a couple, but they were kind of lame in the end... But it's hard to meet people when I don't go to school in Burnaby. I can't exactly just wait around on my street and hope that somebody will come along with an opportunity to befriend them. When you're little, you obviously made friends by joining other kids in play. Big kids don't play on the streets like they used to anymore. Well, not in the same way at least.

I suppose I'll just have to live with being alone. It's funny how yesterday really made me realize all of this. I wish my friends lived within closer proximity to me. I wish I could have some that I could jog with, or go get bubble tea with, or just waste random time with. Wishes are only wishes though. On the other hand, if I had them, maybe then I'd have (slightly) more a life... Hm.

When it all comes down to it, I wish I had a car.

Too hot to be allowed

And no, I'm not talking about me. ;) It's more like the weather... Hot weather = makes me sleepy = epic fail everything. Like the bio test today. :( I kind of had this theory that maybe I'd have some kind of sophomore slump this year. This idea of being a "strong horse" in Year 1 and a "weak donkey" in Year 2 has really made me super paranoid. It kind of sounds really silly, but I can totally see it start to happen. I bet it's even happening now. =/ I guess I'll just have to try and stick it out. It's probably all in my head anyway, since it practically always is. Who knows.

Um... If you can't tell, it's a horse that fell. Yeah. LOL

English essay tomorrow, chemistry test on Friday. Yippee, my favourite subject ever. *major roll eyes* This last weekend has made me pretty sad; I had to do my Type 2 Math Portfolio for basically every waking hour possible. :( It was not happy. At the same time, the portfolio creates another situation too: people looking for help.

Now I can't pretend like I know what I'm doing all the time, because I seriously don't. In fact, when I got it, I was lost for a longgg time until I finally had a faithful epiphany. Unfortunately, there are others that may not get everything... And that's where the conflict comes in. Do I be a nice person and help them out, or do I try to hide from them and not be a nice person? Well, if I were to help, that would mean freely giving away the work that I had slaved over for such a long time. Plus, we'd both end up having the same answer, and if it spread around even more, then that wouldn't look good at all. Then again, if I don't help, I will not be cast into a good light. Instead, people aren't going to be super happy with me...

Luckily for me, I don't think it applies to me that much - is anybody really angry that I specifically wasn't around that much on MSN last weekend? I actually really doubt it. This doesn't even matter anyway, but oh well. Time to try to continue surviving the heat (ha, a double meaning!) and edit my History IA, sick. x( Yup, pretty sure I'mma fail that one too.

Thought

Some people exude such a negative energy. A world of nice people and happy things would be exciting to live in.

What kind of energy do I exude? Is it negative for our society?

On a side note, certain people cough who incessantly talk to me about school are very.. agacantes. It's not that I don't like being helpful - it's more like I'm not your little homework slave. Don't just assume I'm going to "help" you so willingly.

Whyyawannabringmedown

Sometimes, I don't understand why you're so pissy and on-edge.

I try to talk to you, but the answers are curt and exasperating. You can't maintain a conversation when everything ends with a period.

Is it a phase?

Am I doing something wrong?

Am I being mean?

Is it really just day 28?

Or did you just forget to pack some of these?

Life-time supply of these for your next birthday?

In Laymen's terms, all I can say is: "whyyawannabringmedown?" (yes, it's a song).

Yuck

I don't like how it's September already. =.= Time to enter the "inferno" again. I feel bad I haven't started on my EE, or studied for math, or do lots of the things I wanted to do at the beginning of the summer. Where did the time go?

I want a car. When I go out with friends, more and more of them getting their Ns, I don't want to be the one saying, "Alright guys, I'm going to the Skytrain" by myself. Loser much? Is there anything wrong with a nice A4?

Yum, unlike my life right now. Time to go back to history. FML.

Not happy

Today was not an entirely happy day, even though I wholly thought it would most definitely be. Let's see, where shall I start?

So I drag myself out of bed at around 7.30am and start getting ready to head up to SFU for volunteering. I still felt unnaturally cold (despite it being summer) and I was slightly dizzy, but I thought I'd be alright later. Wrong.

During the camp, I felt really dizzy and somewhat woozy most of the time. I couldn't really think or talk straight, and by noon, my throat was so dead I ended up sounding like a druggie when I tried to discipline some of the kids - not one of the most effective methods of action.

When I left at around noontime, I was feeling even worse, but I still had my N test to go. After I finished eating lunch, I wasn't feeling too hot, but drove down to the ICBC office to find my teacher for one final lesson. During the lesson, I was doing okay, but there were still a couple of things that could've led to my potential fail.

Th exam was, however, a whole different story. At first I felt somewhat confident, but I was yelled at a WHOLE lot. Oftentimes, it was mainly stuff like turning too slowly or not going when I had a good opportunity. My examiner seemed rather grumpy, and I thought I was gonna fail for sure. He touched the wheel three times, which I thought was supposed to be an instant fail, but somehow I still made it; he wanted to swerve to avoid some shirtless guy, I tried to turn into a lane where a bus was waiting, and he randomly helped me with some turn. When I was stall-parking, I also hit the rock at the end of the stall, which was also supposedly an instant fail but somehow wasn't. In fact, I didn't even get that many demerits - and they were all for the rather little things too, like I forgot to scan the intersection when I drove through one on a green light once. Then, at times, I drove too slowly too - like what the heck, if the speed limit's 50km/h, what's the problem with 48? It's close enough. He didn't notice when I went 60km/h because he was, guess what, too busy yelling at me. Luckily, by some miracle, I still passed, and it wasn't even "barely" either, which makes me lololol a lot. Normally, you'd think this would be a happy thing, right? Wrong, again.

I got in the car afterwards, but I was in pretty bad shape because of my sickness. My mom told me that I actually had a fever, but she had lied to me before the test so I wouldn't feel nervous. I asked if I could go out and drive to "Metrotown" (lulz) but she said no because I was sick. This brings to mind two major grievances that are spoiling my should-be happy day.

Let's start off with the biking. We've been planning this thing for like what, all summer? It had always been one of us that couldn't go, and this time, it was me. The difference was that I found out I couldn't go about one hour before it was supposed to start. Last night, I didn't think I'd be this sick; I thought I could probably still go, but I guess not. How did I even get sick anyways? It completely makes me feel horrific, and I know they must be super pissed at me now... I hope everything works out in the end. I'm semi-glad that I can rest at home and perhaps get better, but I still feel SUPER SUPER SUPER bad for bailing. :( Oh man.

The other issue is about how I can't drive until my parents buy me a smaller car, which apparently isn't gonna happen until I go to university. I won't even bother "yelling" on here, but it makes me very, very, very, very, very, very pissed. It's wholly UNREASONABLE. My mom thinks I'll go wild and that she'll always be worried that I might kill myself or the car or something. Apparently Anne's mom's (sigh) friend's child ended up with lots of minor accidents (ie. running into posts, failing while parking) when they got their N. It's wholly unfair to judge me according to them! My mom seriously can't expect me to get HER to drive me around EVERYWHERE for the rest of my life. Sure, maybe not when I'm sick like this, but seriously, she can't be serious. I'm not gonna Skytrain for the rest of my life, especially when it's inconvenient for me to do so (ie going to school - which I can't even do! Like wtf?!). Ugh. Doesn't passing my Class 7 test and having my N mean that I'm qualified enough to drive around without being a total hazard on the road? I'd like to think so, right? If I had to express my feelings without actual words, I'd use this: ADKFJOHASDJFHADSO;F'JADGHSK;FGADS
K;HFIJADGKLHFADG;IHFGADJSKFADF.

Wow, I haven't blogged like this for a while now, eh? Guess nothing too big was happening in my life anyways. This just makes me... super pissed. And I still feel like crap from being sick AND bailing AND not being able to drive. :( Tears.

Thought

Isn't it super rude when somebody brings up something, asks you if you know about it, and then refuse to talk about it after if you don't?

Just a thought.