Edge of Uncertainty

"Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So, throw off the bowlines: sail away from the safe harbour, catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."

-Mark Twain

A Thought

I miss blogging. :( I'll have to do it more often from now on...

Wash It All Away

Whenever something is too unpleasant, too shameful for us to entertain, we reject it: we erase it from our memories. But, the imprint is always there. 

L'avenir

The other day, a teacher asked me what the "plans for September" were. Of course, I instantly replied with "sciences," but he suggested "music, or at least arts" to me instead. I laughed it off at the time, but later, I really thought about it. 

I've always been "enlivened" by sciences; it was always so interesting to me, as nerdy as it sounds. Although I may resent it most of the time sometimes, such as when the work load's totally strenuous and overwhelming, I had always taken it as a given that I'd do sciences in university and then move on to either medical or dental school. Now, I'm not really sure. I certainly do stand firm by my choice with sciences, yet a small part of me wonders what my future would be like if I actually pursued music. Do I really think I have the talent to make it as some sort of a musical superstar? That life would be filled with way too many uncertainties for me to feel comfortable with. I'd have to constantly worry if I get enough gigs or record sales to make a profit or even stay afloat, and that would end up depending on whether or not people like me enough as an artist to support me with their funds. I'm not exactly the most talented person out there. Sure, I can play the pieces I'm being tested on in less than 2 days (!!!), but they're not exactly perfect. I may have (somewhat) big dreams and a passable level of talent, but what's going to separate me from the thousands upon thousands of people who also have those qualities and don't actually get anywhere? Am I to pull a Lady Gaga and burst on to the scene with my interesting style of dress, barely appropriate song lyrics and nonsensical stage antics? If only. Simply doing a major in music may not necessarily mean that I'm going to pursue it for the rest of my life. However, it would certainly be a welcome change, especially since I can apply to med school with any degree. I obviously wouldn't have the knowledge and experience that a science undergrad would provide for me, but I suppose it couldn't hurt, right? 

Of course, I could always double major in sciences and music, which would definitely show off my "versatility." However, after perusing around online for a bit, it seems like that would require a lot of work. Plus, music courses are harder to score well in, given the difficulty of theoretical and performance classes. I could always minor in music, but apparently that's "all theoretical." Sounds kinda lame to me, to be honest. 

It's funny; I hardly ever give any thought to my life after high school as a result of all the homework that I have to put up with consistently, and now I feel... confusion. I wish I could interpret my thoughts better. What exactly am I feeling, or am I even feeling at all? 

Maybe I'm just going crazy from the afternoon-long practices and the adequate amounts of sleep. On the other hand, perhaps these conflicting thoughts are placed in my mind in order to make me really realize that whatever path I choose, it's going to be my future: no doubts, no going back, 100%. 

Clueless?

"It all boiled down to one inevitable conclusion: I was just totally clueless."

Stalemate

n.

1. A situation in which further action is blocked; a deadlock.

2. My present academic and social life.

I don't know.

I just don't.

I wish I did.

I wish you knew.

It seems like life is a culmination of various different paths in the forest. They may all lead out of it, but the experience you get from doing so will inevitably vary depending on the decided pathway you choose.

Some are undoubtedly going to be more overbearing, dangerous and treacherous than others.

However, the important thing to remember is that no matter which road we take, we will always eventually end up at the end.

It's times like these when I have to remember to disregard fate and hold tighter to faith to guide me through this "forest" of my life. Whichever path I take is in His ultimate plan, and I just have to trust Him to guide me through safely.

What are my shadows? Indecision. Insecurity. Failure. Rejection. Isolation.

Yet they're all there, overshadowing the light. And it's times like these when I just have to wonder: "why."

Epiphany

It's times like these when I wish I had a male friend to confide in.

Yes, that does sound awkward.

EDIT: I found a substitute.

Angels Cry

Lightning don't strike the same place twice,
When you and I said goodbye, I felt the angels cry
True love's a gift, but we let it drift
In the storm, every night, I feel the angels cry

Limitless, omnipresent kind of love:
Couldn't've guessed it would just stop and disappear in a world when
Here I am, walking on this narrow road;
Wobbling but won't let go,
Waiting for a glimpse of the sun's slow rise

The wave: it will go up, only to go down again. Will it arise again or will it just reach the shore?

Today

Today, I realized three things:

1. I am constantly stressed by all the things that I either have to finish or study for - which I will always have until May, and probably even further along.

2. I am on edge when I am stressed.

3. When I am on edge, I am much more of a betch to people. Maybe I'm just not a naturally good person because of it? Haha.

And that is all.

Thought

Some people exude such a negative energy. A world of nice people and happy things would be exciting to live in.

What kind of energy do I exude? Is it negative for our society?

On a side note, certain people cough who incessantly talk to me about school are very.. agacantes. It's not that I don't like being helpful - it's more like I'm not your little homework slave. Don't just assume I'm going to "help" you so willingly.

Whyyawannabringmedown

Sometimes, I don't understand why you're so pissy and on-edge.

I try to talk to you, but the answers are curt and exasperating. You can't maintain a conversation when everything ends with a period.

Is it a phase?

Am I doing something wrong?

Am I being mean?

Is it really just day 28?

Or did you just forget to pack some of these?

Life-time supply of these for your next birthday?

In Laymen's terms, all I can say is: "whyyawannabringmedown?" (yes, it's a song).

Thought

Isn't it super rude when somebody brings up something, asks you if you know about it, and then refuse to talk about it after if you don't?

Just a thought.

1:24am

It's been fun, but it's time to devote my time to something a little more worthwhile.

On the other hand, I just can't let you go. It's like an iron-clad grip enclosed within my mind. My thoughts will drift towards you until my being succumbs, and I just have to go to you.

Yet I can't.

Lovely.

Sadness

This is sad, but I can't figure out how to delete blog posts, so I guess this random thing is here to stay. Who wants to see a picture of me?

Ya, u lyk dis

Recent discovery

Well, how sad. Now, even Facebook, the site I go on to procrastinate and waste time, seems to know that I basically have no life now. =P The sadness, the sadness.

I'd blog more, but I'm tired after writing a history essay and bio final today. Ow... T_T One day, children.

Only 3 more days of school (2.5 technically?), 1 more test (orgo chem!) and then school's out. I wonder if I could get World Lit done early, so I can enjoy those next two weeks before summer school... Yeah, as if. =P Haha.

Quoi?

So last night, I was randomly perusing my iPod when I went on to the "Notes" section, a place I never usually go to. However, there was this mysterious new file named "BACKUP.TXT." I open it, thinking that it's some sort of technical jargon or something, and I get this:

Hello Andy,
I have taken your iPod and inserted a bug that will force it to become slow and shorten the long term battery of your life as an experiment.
Don't ask how, I just have.
You'll see the results, and so will I.
Neat, hey?
Have fun!
BTW, who I am, is for me to know and you to find out.

Well, the last bit is overly helpful isn't it?

Now, where the heck did this thing come from... Could it have been from when my iPod got stolen last June during the Year-End Concert? It somehow ended up at the office a week later with no more battery life...

This is just really weird. And kinda stupid. I don't have time to find somebody who already knows who they are; I have to do about a week's worth of math homework because of Idaho.

On the other hand, my iPod has been lagging a LOT lately... but I thought that was just an iPod Classic thing; apparently they're all like this. Plus, how will this person see the results of their twisted experiment?

Ah, well. Maybe somebody will see this and tell me who it is (ha!).

But, I think I have some enemies somewhere. First my calculator got stolen, then my iPod got stolen, then a few months later my e-mail gets hacked... c'est très bizarre...

"*cough cough* I'm sick!"

Congolais

I'm so tired. Currently memorizing French, but I keep forgetting some things. Seriously, I should pick up the pace on French more. Hope this skit tomorrow goes well... =D

Anywho, report cards today. No more headmaster's! I was so sad. =( Instead, I got a bunch of 6s and 7s. And 100 in bio. =P I calculated my average for the heck of it, and I got 92. LOL.

Yes, my sad IB life where I blog only about school. Well, what else is there to talk about? We're actually almost done Group 4... It's gonna be such a relief when it's done, haha.

We dissected a pig's heart today. It was gross and stil lhad bits of blood, especially when you poked a blood vessel. Now, there's blood in my course companion. T_T Great. I put tape on it.

Guess I should practice French a couple more times and then go to bed. Sleeping early today - mots likely accomplished! =) I'll practice more in math and before school tomorrow I guess.

Until then: who knows what a disco stick really is? I am taking all theories. Maybe it's her staff, to rule her musical empire (ha!).



EDIT: If you haven't noticed, I can't really type coherently right now. Mmmhmm.

My New Blog

So, I've decided to finally migrate from Xanga to Blogger.

Why did I do it? Well, everybody's seemed to have totally ditched Xanga, Blogger is prettier, I can blog directly from Microsoft Word 2007, and it's slightly more convenient. Plus, I can somehow blog a lot more: maybe I'll be able to accurately depict my life in IB now.

Shall I blog more? Probably not. But I can at least try, no?

So, hello to all my readers/stalkers/"followers" out there!

And yes, as I blog this, I am fully watching Desperate Housewives. So wrong, yet so addictive. XD