I am now an expert at Chem Topic 9

My anode brings all the anions to the yard,
And they're like, "You're positive!"
"Darn" right, I'm positive,
I could reduce you, but I'd have to "charge."

Contrary to popular belief, I actually have a lot of fun at 2:30am on MSN. 

Sleepless, the sequel

Wow, I can't believe it's March already. I guess what they say is true: time flies when you're having fun... haha. The beginning of March also means that only a little over 2 months remains before my first IB exam - oh snap! I'm going to make a Hermione-style colour-coded study schedule later; it probably won't work, but I can at least try, right?

I got my UBC acceptance letter today. Even though I had already found out that I was accepted through the site, seeing it in letter-form seemed to finalize the deal. Now, I just have to decide on where I want to go...

Last night was another sleepless one, similar to my post-Christmas Break sleeping epic fail. I attempted to go to bed at around 2am, but I somehow felt wide awake. At 4:30am, I decided to check Facebook and began to get sleepy at around 5:30, but I decided that it'd be better if I were to get no sleep at all than getting a couple hours and waking up feeling super groggy and crappy. I don't know what's wrong with  me; maybe it's the break and the outrageous sleeping times messing with me as per usual, or perhaps it's one of the explanations that I thought up for my winter break sleeping fail... Hm. Something to ponder, especially since I don't really have much to do tonight in terms of work.

I have a date with the ICBC claims office in about an hour, woohoo. I hope they don't interrogate me, especially since I've gotten no sleep for the past 25 hours. T_T

Anti-Reconciliation

And there I go again. 

Nevertheless, it made me come to terms with my disdain for people who lay all the blame for their sins on Satan and constantly saying how he's always just "waiting at every corner for an opportunity to waylay us." Okay, so he's obviously going to have to get some of the blame for tempting us and trying to draw us away from God. However, the point remains that we're the ones putting ourselves through that sinful action in the first place. Instead of simply blaming Satan and shifting the guilt away in thinking that, "Oh, it's Satan's fault, not mine: I'm innocent," perhaps we should seek to reap what we sow and admit that we've willingly sinned.

On the other hand, it's hard to overcome that most of the time. 

Sleepless

I had a very interesting day today. After staying up till 5am every night, I tried to sleep at 2am last night after studying a bit of math, but trying to sleep was futile. I lay there for 4 hours, tossing and turning, reading the Bible, praying, listening to music, yoga, meditating (on God), watching TV, drinking water - you name the technique, it didn't work for me. So, by 6am, I cracked open my laptop and went on Facebook for an hour before "waking up." I spent the entire day halfway between collapsing and hysterics: everything seemed really funny during one moment, but the next, my eyelids would be drooping and my head would be balanced on my hand. Yes, today was not a fun day.

But there was something... interesting. I confined. It was awkward, and I was half hysterical. And now I'm not sure what to make of it. I could feel that God had wanted me to tell for quite some time, but why exactly? Maybe it made me realize this: while I've been praying for God's strength to overcome this, I need more than just His strength: I need Him in my life, in my mind, in my body, in my soul. After all, the strength of the Lord isn't a rental car I can take for a spin and return later when I don't need it. It's a really, really nice car that I want to fully buy all the rights to and not even pay lease, because that's how cool it is. I suppose praying for God's strength for assistance isn't necessarily wrong, but when it's just for assistance: perhaps that's the real issue there.

But who knows. I should sleep soon, but I hope I'm not kept awake by the guilt, shame and self-disgust that have plagued my nights for the past couple of weeks. Now that'd be a shame.

Epiphany

It's times like these when I wish I had a male friend to confide in.

Yes, that does sound awkward.

EDIT: I found a substitute.

Alone

Today, I woke up feeling strangely depressed. I didn't even have much to do today, in terms of homework. I guess the stress was finally replaced by "true emotion," as dramatic as that sounds.

After I wasted a couple of hours, I realized why I wasn't feeling as chipper as usual. I think it all has to do with how I'm completely alone in my own neighbourhood and my own city. I felt like an island, surrounded by sea with no neighbours in sight. And not even a touristy, lush, tropical island either; more like an ugly, bare rock outcropping that nobody goes to, like this:

Thinking back on it, I've never really had that much of a purpose for friends that live right next door. Who needs such people when I've got them in other areas? Of course, today I realized that these other cities are pretty far. I don't want to go all the way out to Vancouver or Surrey everytime I went to get bubble tea with somebody.

So, after 3 years of living here, I still haven't really made a good friend in my neighbourhood. Hm. I suppose I had a couple, but they were kind of lame in the end... But it's hard to meet people when I don't go to school in Burnaby. I can't exactly just wait around on my street and hope that somebody will come along with an opportunity to befriend them. When you're little, you obviously made friends by joining other kids in play. Big kids don't play on the streets like they used to anymore. Well, not in the same way at least.

I suppose I'll just have to live with being alone. It's funny how yesterday really made me realize all of this. I wish my friends lived within closer proximity to me. I wish I could have some that I could jog with, or go get bubble tea with, or just waste random time with. Wishes are only wishes though. On the other hand, if I had them, maybe then I'd have (slightly) more a life... Hm.

When it all comes down to it, I wish I had a car.

Is it just a modernist reaction?

I'm writing this on the grounds that nobody else will read it.

I believe that blogs are a satellite for your mind. At 1:33am, when I look at my MSN list and see only 21 people online, I believe that only a very few stations are interpreting my frequencies. Sometimes, it's kind of soothing to have that feeling of being alone, where you're (supposedly) the most honest with yourself. Wow, I went on a tangent, didn't I? Hm.

The expressionist movement in art. Blurred images. The blending of contrasting ideas. Turmoil, chaos. An inability to see what is being shown.

Sometimes, I don't understand things that go on in my life. The possibilities of this or that proceeding unbeknown to me are the things that scare me. These are the types of factors that ruined my grade 10 year. I never knew. I guessed, but I never found out. I asked, but the answers were vague. In my life, I've come to realize that I can't simply accept vagueness. Everything has to have a reasoning, as according to God's plan. I know that He has my best interests in heart, but I never know where they'll take me. I usually prefer the solidity of reassurances.

Actions have consequences; some are negative. These are the ones we don't think of beforehand, because we're foolish that way. When you're feeling a certain way, you disregard the results of your actions, because you're driven by that feeling of natural human instinct that one shares closely with that of the animals. Now that you've done this action and reaped the consequences, the only thing you can feel is regret and confusion.

Five minutes after, you probably told all your friends and remarked about what a bad, annoying person I am. Then again, perhaps I am. And then we talked. Yet to me, something seemed different. Maybe it's just the subject matter. Maybe it's just the way it was said. Maybe I just didn't understand it. But I'm sure it was different.

I just don't understand you sometimes. The song Hot n' Cold really comes into play here. There are times when we laugh, we joke, we talk amiably, and, dare I say, it's "hot". Then there are those times where I'm horrible, or you're cold. And those are the times where I really have to put everything into question.

I've always said that if I could have any superpower, it'd be mind-reading. No, it's not just because I want to baat. I just want the answer. Once again, I hold proper answers and solutions rather firmly. No more of this modality. No more of being indefinite. I'm tired of being unsure. I don't like living like this, as if I'm walking on a narrow cliff where one misstep results in imminent failure.

Maybe one day I'll find the answer, or maybe this is just all in my head (which it probably is). But somehow, it's going to have to stay that way. And I'm going to have to accept that for what it is.

I only want to know.

Me.