Sleepless

I had a very interesting day today. After staying up till 5am every night, I tried to sleep at 2am last night after studying a bit of math, but trying to sleep was futile. I lay there for 4 hours, tossing and turning, reading the Bible, praying, listening to music, yoga, meditating (on God), watching TV, drinking water - you name the technique, it didn't work for me. So, by 6am, I cracked open my laptop and went on Facebook for an hour before "waking up." I spent the entire day halfway between collapsing and hysterics: everything seemed really funny during one moment, but the next, my eyelids would be drooping and my head would be balanced on my hand. Yes, today was not a fun day.

But there was something... interesting. I confined. It was awkward, and I was half hysterical. And now I'm not sure what to make of it. I could feel that God had wanted me to tell for quite some time, but why exactly? Maybe it made me realize this: while I've been praying for God's strength to overcome this, I need more than just His strength: I need Him in my life, in my mind, in my body, in my soul. After all, the strength of the Lord isn't a rental car I can take for a spin and return later when I don't need it. It's a really, really nice car that I want to fully buy all the rights to and not even pay lease, because that's how cool it is. I suppose praying for God's strength for assistance isn't necessarily wrong, but when it's just for assistance: perhaps that's the real issue there.

But who knows. I should sleep soon, but I hope I'm not kept awake by the guilt, shame and self-disgust that have plagued my nights for the past couple of weeks. Now that'd be a shame.