I am senseless

Could we pretend that airplanes 
In the night sky 
Are like shooting stars 
I could really use a wish right now (Wish right now, Wish right now) 
I'm praying that this stairway 
Leads somewhere like Heaven's door 
And when you get there, don't look down (Don't look down, Don't look down) 

I remember the first day of school, 
When you walked right next to me 
You taught me everything that I know 
And you always knew what to say 
Time goes on 
Now every word in every damn song 
Reminds me of your face (You were part of me, You were part of me) 
I didn't know everything I've got 
Now I know that you are gone 
Feel you right here next to me 
Though I know that you've moved on 
But the hardest thing of all is knowing 
I didn't get to say (You were everything, You were everything) 

Could we pretend that airplanes 
In the night sky 
Are like shooting stars 
I could really use a wish right now (Wish right now, Wish right now, now) 
I'm praying that this stairway 
Leads somewhere like Heaven's door 
And when you get there, don't look down (Don't look down, Don't look down) 

And all the people say, 
Iiii Iiii Iiii Ha 
And all the people say, 
Iiii Iiii Iiii Uh 
Listen 
Oh 

People kill what they don't understand 
All the legends they die in, at the hands of lesser men 
Jesus and JFK and Marvin and Biggie Man 
I wonder if life after death 
Was ever fair for them 
Live in the moment, 
I was never really one to plan 
So many things I wasn't meant ever to understand 
What if Alice imagined her trip to Wonderland 
And why didn't Paul have shoes 
Like the rest of them did 
So many memories I passed up when I was away 
All the experiences I couldn't ever replace 
All the million times my heart, a part of it break 
I guess I'm harder for the hardships that I had to face 
Before every single show, I pray 'til I sweat 
I give my heart to a thousand people I never met 
And then I let it all go, the pain and regret 
Hope God forgive me 
For the sins that I'm about to commit 
Don't wanna get by, I wanna excel 
I know life is like the crossroads for heaven and hell 
Right and wrong, sometimes It's just so hard to tell 
But at least I'm saving others If I'm losing myself 

Could we pretend that airplanes 
In the night sky 
Are like shooting stars 
I could really use a wish right now (Wish right now, wish right now) 
I'm praying that this stairway 
Leads somewhere like Heaven's door 
And when you get there, don't look down (Don't look down, don't look down) 

Airplanes in the night sky 
Are like shooting stars 
I could really use a wish right now

Gluttony is a sin.

I am a sinner.

Someday Soon

I think it's time to put myself away
Seek out a little silence
Close the doors and sit a while
Walk a little

And as I put my words away
The flow slows
See this penny in a stream
Picking it up is easy.

Follow the shape of it.
Jump in.
Swallow it whole.
Jump in.

Even though I know my way around
Possibly there's something new I found
Holding on for finding solid ground
Someday soon.
Someday soon.

I'll turn myself into the grass
And I'll grow
Take this space above my head
And live a little, little.

Gonna wear my feathered headdress
Like an Indian chief.
Gonna stretch out both my arms
I'm gonna test the temperature.

Follow the taste of it.
Jump in.
Swallow it whole.
Jump in.

Even though I know my way around (even though)
Possibly there's something new I found (possibly I, possibly I)
Holding on for finding solid ground (ohh..)
Even though I know my way around (even though)
Possibly there's something new I found (possibly I, possibly I)
Holding on for finding solid ground (ohh..)
Someday soon.
Someday soon.

Maybe walk a little
Someday soon. 

What am I doing?

Stop sitting here staring into space. Man up and do this.
You don't want to do something that you'll probably regret for the rest of your life.

There are some chances you have to take. There are some you just shouldn't even consider.
Frankly, you won't be missing much anyways.

Edge of Uncertainty

"Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So, throw off the bowlines: sail away from the safe harbour, catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."

-Mark Twain

A Brush of Blonde

How often do we simply press "Accept" on Terms and Agreements without ever actually reading them? We tend to assume that whatever they have to say won't have such a great effect upon us anyways. In fact, what with all the legal nonsense that's often included within them, who really knows what they're really saying?

Given the above, how many times does our carelessness come back to bite us from behind? Take Facebook, for example. I'm pretty sure it caused quite an outrage with the whole private policy change a few months ago with photos. A lot of people seemed to be suddenly conscious of themselves when they discovered that photographs of them snogging their ex-lovers or getting wasted at parties could suddenly be up for grabs by third-party organizations. I know that the policy was introduced at a time when Facebook was peaking in popularity, but what if it had been in the original Terms and Agreements? Would anybody have batted an eye at that clause? Probably not, and this would have thus been their own fault.

Today, something careless that I did came back to, if I were to put it colloquially, bite me in the ass. It was but the day before when I suddenly realized that I was actually a U1 student at McGill, not a U0 student like I had originally thought. An explanation: in Quebec, high school continues for most youth until Grade 11, when they then enter a CEGEP program that's the equivalent of Grade 12 and the first year of university. Apparently, McGill registers a recipient of the IB Diploma as having completed an equivalent program to the first year of university: the U0 year. As a result, I'm now technically a second year student. Bizarre, no? My mind was totally blown; mind = blown for sure.

Unfortunately, this doesn't really change much. Except for Biology, which I have credits from, I still have a bunch of other prequisites, such as Chemistry, Physics and Mathematics to worry about. It's apparently possible for me to graduate in 3 years, but I'd probably have to do summer courses as well as overload all my semesters, which definitely doesn't sound too appetizing to me.

All of this has simply been mind-blowing for me these past few days. I've tried to research it extensively at work, but it felt like a sudden rush was overcoming my mind with panic and confusion. What courses do I need? Do I have enough? Which courses sound interesting and beneficial towards my GPA?

Of course, there is also a much greater issue at risk. When I applied for McGill last December, I put Cell Biology and Anatomy as my first-choice program and Microbiology and Immunology as a second, thinking "whatever" with it. As a result, when I was accepted for the former in February and the latter in mid-May, I completely disregarded the latter and declined it, accepting the offer for the former, easy entry program instead. Of course, therein lies the problem: I didn't know that Microbiology and Immunology was something that most people apply for after their first U0 year at McGill. I didn't know that people actually get put on waiting lists and eventually get rejected from the program. I didn't know that it was actually a bit of a big deal. I didn't know, I didn't know, I didn't know.


Why didn't I know? Because of my own incompetence and foolishness: I never actually bothered to look at what I thought I was getting myself into, and now I simply feel... stupid. Stupid and blonde, whom I've had a brush with. I know I can just re-apply after my next year, but I can't help but feel like I've wasted my first year at McGill when I could've gone further if I were in the actual program. Most 100-level courses are applicable for the vast majority of programs anyways, so I suppose it's not a hugely significant loss. Still, I feel like I've been given the both the Gold and Silver medals at the Olympics, and I ended up accepting the Silver because I thought it looked shinier or something.

Furthermore, who's to say that I'll even be able to get in at the end of next year? Like I said, hopefuls wait for months on waiting lists and never get in. I highly doubt I'll be able to impress anybody at this time next year - I'll just be another student to them, not the IB student with the (hopelessly) predicted mark of 45. Wow, I sound cocky there. I guess I can't help how I feel and what I think; no point in censoring myself too much. Yet again, something that I had an advantage in, but ended up wasting.

Of course, I have nobody to blame but myself. I am the cause of my own misfortune, and I am also the cause to the subsequent reaction towards its discovery. Me, me, me. Me, myself & I. I hate being told I'm wrong. It's not that I'm not open to new ideas or being corrected. Well, to be honest, I think it's a combination of that as well as a fear of making mistakes. I suppose this is a pretty big one in my head, at least.

I guess this is the first real blog post that I've made in a long time. Self, welcome back to shamelessly and openly spilling out my thoughts to nobody. I really have no idea why, but I just feel this imminent sadness coming from within me tonight after I realized my major mistake. I'm probably being melodramatic and overplaying this entire situation, but I guess I can't really help it if that's how I feel right now. Whenever I feel sad, I tell myself to stop being sad and be awesome instead. However, just being awesome isn't going to cut it this time, I'm afraid. I think a bit of intelligence would've been nice, as a matter of fact.

I know it's a common stereotype that's probably not entirely true. People say that Asians are bad drivers and women should be homemakers, but they've gained those stereotypes for a reason. In this case, I've adopted another: this officially confirms that I am blonde at heart. New style change when I get to McGill - all those in favour?

Distance and Time

You were always on my mind
All I do is count the days
Where are you now?
No I'll never let you down
I will never go away
I really wish that you would stay but what would we do
All the days that you've been gone, I dream about you
And I anticipate the day that you will come home, come home

No matter how far you are,
No matter how long it takes 'em,
Through distance and time; I'll be waiting,
And if you have to walk a million miles,
I'll wait a million days to see your smile,
Distance and time; I'll be waiting
Distance and time; I'll be waiting

Will you take a train to meet me where I am,
Are you on your way?
And I will never do anything to hurt you
I'll never leave without you
I really wish that you would stay but what would we do,
All the days that you've been gone, I dream about you,
And I anticipate the day that you will come home, come home

No matter how far you are,

No matter how long it takes 'em,

Through distance and time; I'll be waiting, 

And if you have to walk a million miles,

I'll wait a million days to see your smile,

Distance and time; I'll be waiting

Distance and time; I'll be waiting

You were always on my mind,

All I do is count the days,

Where are you now?

Reminder to self

Courses I've decided on so far, oh man. This is such a great usage of my time at work.

Fall term:
BIOL 200 (3)
MATH 140 (3)
PHYS 131 (4)
CHEM 115 (6) or CHEM 110 (4) and CHEM 112 (1)
CHEM 212 (4)

Winter term:
Some bio and chem courses, most likely.

I'm not entirely sure about the chem courses yet. I need CHEM 212 to do BIOL 200 since I don't have first-year chemistry credits (why didn't PA have HL Chem?), but in order to do that, I'd have to either do CHEM 115, an intensive beginner chemistry course, in the fall term, since CHEM 212 requires CHEM 110 or equivalent as a prerequisite, or do CHEM 110 and CHEM 112 together. CHEM 115 is apparently equal to CHEM 120 in terms of prerequisites, but the former requires a grade of 95% in a Grade 12 chemistry course, which I think I technically have with my 7 in IB Chemistry Stupid Level (aka SL) course. However, I wonder if it'd be better for my GPA if I were to do a less intensive CHEM course and spread it out more, especially since I need more courses to actually boost my GPA. BIOL 200 only being available during the fall term is also highly inconvenient to me, since that means I'll have to dump a load of other courses in the same semester in order to be able to be in that course.

I'm also considering FRSL as an option, although I'd have to get right to FRSL 207, as most of the 100-level courses are for complete beginners. On the other hand, I'm wondering if that really is the best option, as I'd think that I'd be better off finding a course that will actually boost my GPA quite significantly.

Music electives are also an option for me, but I often find that it's pretty hard to do extremely well in them. Sigh, this course thing really does take a lot of thought. Good thing I have a couple of weeks left to keep looking.

A Thought

I miss blogging. :( I'll have to do it more often from now on...

FML

Why didn't I go to a school that had a Group 3 subject other than History HL?


Why didn't I go to a school that had Chemistry HL, something that I'd like better and would actually be useful for me?


Why didn't I pick a place that did drama for English Paper 2 instead of "epic" (fail) works for poetry?


Why have I just wasted the last 2 hours complaining about all of this?


It's too late to complain and have regrets, but at least it feels good.


Okay, maybe that was a little melodramatic. History didn't go as completely suckish as I thought, but I'm definitely going to flee from historical studies in the future.

(love song, with two goldfish)

(He's a drifter, always

floating around her, has
nowhere else to go. He wishes
she would sing, not much, just the scales;
or take some notice,
give him the fish eye.)

(Bounded by round walls
she makes fish eyes
and kissy lips at him, darts
behind pebbles, swallows
his charms hook, line and sinker)

(He's bowled over. He would
take her to the ocean, they could
count the waves. There,
in the submarine silence, they would share
their deepest secrets. Dive for pearls
like stars.)

(But her love's since
gone belly-up. His heart sinks
like a fish. He drinks
like a stone. Drowns those sorrows,
stares emptily through glass.)

(the reason, she said
she wanted)
(and he could not give)
a life
beyond the
(bowl)

Indecisive

UBC or McGill?

It's May tomorrow.

I've separated my work areas. Now, my bedroom is specifically for History and English, and my other room is for the sciences and math. I'm pretty sure I've spent more time preparing to study than actually studying.

Last day of high school today. As cliche as it sounds, walking through the halls of the high school for the first time in Grade 9 really did feel like yesterday - a very long day of happiness and sadness; peace and conflict; relaxation and stress. I suppose I'll miss it, but I am more than ready to finally move on.

4 days left until I pass through those gates;
11 days left before I cross the river Styx;
19 days left before I climb up Satan's back to see the glittering stars shining again...

You know you're IB when...

You know you're IB when you procrastinate from studying history by studying chemistry and biology instead.

12 days left... I wish I had better memory retention for history. :(

Last day of high school tomorrow, woah. I'm sure photographs will be taken, but unfortunately, I'll probably look like a half-alive wraith in most of them as a result of my severe lack of sleep.

Oh, boohoo.

I swear I forget the things I read for history two minutes later. It doesn't really stick in my head when I'm trying to cram the history of the past century into my head in the span of about two and a half weeks.

FML. I wish the clocks would stop ticking.

11 days?

No,
we're,
not,
ready for hell, hell;
No, for hell, hell no.

The majority of people who try to talk to me about non-school stuff at the moment amuse me. Do you honestly think I care right now? Nope.

The Limits of Mankind

It's time to see exactly how much the human mind can handle.

2 weeks.

To-Do List: Extreme Version

Just because I need to.

• Finish up biochemistry option unit for Chem
• Review all of the non-human physiology units for Bio
• Start studying for History Paper 2
• Assemble and prepare notes specific to History Paper 3
• Math May 2002 papers (maybe) 
• Update English notes
• Finish memorizing Milton lines and begin memorizing Donne
• Practice with an English Paper 1 (maybe)
• Write SFU cover letter
• CAS forms

Ahhh. 

Abstinence

I'm quitting Facebook for now. I came to the realization that opening Google Chrome every 5 minutes to go stalk pictures of people, trade ingredients with myself or comment on their statuses for hours on end wasn't really the best use of my time, especially since exams are coming up in less than 4 weeks. After all, there are some people who can survive without having one completely, right? They're not exactly dead from deprivation yet, so I'm guessing I'm not going to die by not logging on for a single month. Thus, I have bid farewell to the blue and white and greeted my semi-colourful textbooks with half-opened arms. I'm sure it can't be that bad... I'll just have to find a better way to kill time when my mind does burn out every few hours. YouTube, Blogger, Twitter, "the N-game," and MSN are still open to me, anyways. Here's hoping that abstinence truly is the best policy.



Keys together, abstinence!

I'm just being me.

So instead of doing anything that's actually productive, I made MSN display pics with all of my textbooks.

Happy studies, folks.

I am now an expert at Chem Topic 9

My anode brings all the anions to the yard,
And they're like, "You're positive!"
"Darn" right, I'm positive,
I could reduce you, but I'd have to "charge."

Contrary to popular belief, I actually have a lot of fun at 2:30am on MSN. 

Move it, move it.

It's time to move it move it, fatty. Yeah, that's right, I'm talking to you. Too much energy has been stored as lipids for long-term energy storage for two reasons: there's too much of it and it's not being used up well enough in the short-term. Here's evidence:


February 2010: thunder-thighs, much? 



Fat spilling over your collar is just the most attractive look there is. 



March 2010: holy crap at my stomach here. It looks like somebody tried to stuff a pear into a jar and then turn it around, except the pear's wearing a rather nice shirt and the jar would be my pants.  


And now, it's time for some comparisons.

March 2009: I liked being a size small, thank you very much.

August 2009: is my torso bulging out here in any way? No! In fact, the shirt's even rumpled from not having to stretch itself over any extra masses of skin. 



November 2009: So I wasn't exactly the epitome of fitness, but you don't see my stomach flying all over the place, do you? I was even wearing white here, too. 


I suppose it's something that I've always dreaded and somewhat denied (partially to the allegations of those around me claiming that I'm still skinny), but the truth is overly obvious: I've become fat again. I'm guessing it's a result of eating too much (darn that box of Turtles!) and not exercising as a result of exhaustion and stress from both piano and IB. This calls for only one solution: eating less, eating better, and exercising way more. I'm even standing up to do my studying now, as opposed to sitting. I somehow feel much more fit while doing so, and the chances of me falling asleep on my somewhat comfy computer chair are obviously lessened significantly, too. Thus, I'm definitely going to try to exercise when I'm not too stressed and/or tired and the weather's okay. Of course, I could try and convert the fat to muscle, but that's too much effort.  Besides, I think I'd rather be sleek than super beefy. Could you imagine me as some beefed up Asian dude? On the other hand, I don't exactly want to be next in line for the next Buddha or end up looking like the equivalent of this:


Oh snap. 

When I was 9.

As the end begins to approach more and more, I can't help but think of the past. Before, if I ever did choose to look back to those times, I'd often adopt the mindset that all of it was pointless and menial. Thus, I reject it and tend to consider that period of my life as a rather bad, meaningless one.

However, the more I think of it, the more I begin to wonder: do I miss that life? Do I miss spending my entire day on the computer and having my MSN contacts list consisting mainly of people I don't know? Did I enjoy talking to people ten years older than me? Who knows.

It's funny how the smallest things in life tend to effect me so much. Even though others would see them as small, insignificant and nothing to truly consider that much, I suppose that sort of judgment will change for every person. In fact, when I think of it now, I would also consider it as rather lame. Unfortunately, it's embedded as a part of my past and my growing up. I suppose there's not much else to do other than to embrace it fully with open arms.

Wash It All Away

Whenever something is too unpleasant, too shameful for us to entertain, we reject it: we erase it from our memories. But, the imprint is always there. 

Chemical Misconceptions

This analogy is already amusing from the fact that the textbook ascertains you were at a party last weekend. As if! 

Hello alien

People these days are so interesting. 

8 weeks left

You know you're desperate and in IB when...

Why did I even upload this? Such a waste of time, haha.

Really, Facebook?

FML. I think my life just failed even more than it usually does.

Thanks, Facebook. Maybe it's a sign to run away from that site and actually get something productive done, ie. studying.

Sleepless, the sequel

Wow, I can't believe it's March already. I guess what they say is true: time flies when you're having fun... haha. The beginning of March also means that only a little over 2 months remains before my first IB exam - oh snap! I'm going to make a Hermione-style colour-coded study schedule later; it probably won't work, but I can at least try, right?

I got my UBC acceptance letter today. Even though I had already found out that I was accepted through the site, seeing it in letter-form seemed to finalize the deal. Now, I just have to decide on where I want to go...

Last night was another sleepless one, similar to my post-Christmas Break sleeping epic fail. I attempted to go to bed at around 2am, but I somehow felt wide awake. At 4:30am, I decided to check Facebook and began to get sleepy at around 5:30, but I decided that it'd be better if I were to get no sleep at all than getting a couple hours and waking up feeling super groggy and crappy. I don't know what's wrong with  me; maybe it's the break and the outrageous sleeping times messing with me as per usual, or perhaps it's one of the explanations that I thought up for my winter break sleeping fail... Hm. Something to ponder, especially since I don't really have much to do tonight in terms of work.

I have a date with the ICBC claims office in about an hour, woohoo. I hope they don't interrogate me, especially since I've gotten no sleep for the past 25 hours. T_T

But I loved cheering on the streets.

Ahh, the Olympics are ending today. :( Booo! I guess all great "parties" have to end sometime. I must say that I wasn't really looking forward to the whole thing that much, but once it started, I really found myself getting into it. I'm going to miss watching the hockey games (gold for Canada! Woooo!), cheering randomly on the street, going into spontaneous renditions of the national anthem everywhere (even if they were sometimes too high), and all the buzz and excitement throughout the city and the entire country. All I'm left with now is my boring old school-obsessed life; what an excellent trade-off. :(

One thing that I'd have to admit is that all this hype about Vancouver really makes me want to stay here for quite some time. I still haven't really decided which university I want to go to, but UBC definitely just got some plus points over the past 2 weeks. :D Unfortunately, my work ethic took an extended break; it's hard to get motivated when I'm trying to watch some Olympic event that's (lagging) on some website.

Wow, the closing ceremonies starting in 5 minutes. It's totally a bittersweet event, both celebratory and remorseful. We'll be recognizing the most exciting two weeks in a while while also bidding it farewell. Despite all the controversies, deaths, dramatic moments, and fighting, I'm really going to miss these games a lot.

Ah, life's gotta move on at some point. Nevertheless, as cheesy as it sounds, I will definitely walk away from this experience with the patriotic sense of national pride, which has totally been induced into me. Go Canada Go!

Olympic Break To-Do

Oh yes, one of my infamous to-do lists. Seeing as how I've been feeling overly lazy and being extremely forgetful lately, I really should make this:

Olympic Break To-Do List

• UBC Scholarship essay/application 
• Some other scholarship application
• History Arab-Israeli Timeline essay
• Math matrix review/November 2007 Paper 2
• English Chaucer Notes
• Chem Design Lab
• Study new bio unit
• Start studying for finals?

And of course, I'm trying to beat Zelda (LOL) and go out more at the same time. Furthermore, I'll probably end up getting up no earlier than 12pm everyday for the next 2 weeks, too. Let's see how the next few days go... 

Wow, I really do complain a lot on here.

I don't really have anything better to do right now, so I guess I'll blog.

Last week feels like it lasted forever, yet now it's nothing but a blur to me. For some reason, writing my World Literature 2 assignment made me feel really disorientated; the 1,500-word essay was all that I concentrated upon for a week. At least I'm done now, but I'd have to question the quality of what I wrote. Sigh.

I submitted my application to the McGill major entrance scholarship on Sunday, a day before it was due. I figured that there wasn't really a chance of me winning it anyways, so I finished it rather hastily to try and get it out of the way. If I were to get it then that would be awesome, but I think I'll try for the UBC one a bit more. Why, oh why did he have to go to the UK? Now, I'll have to find somebody else to do my non-academic nomination form, but who... Who should I even get for the teacher's one? There are a lot of possibilities, but I feel as if they may be whittled down quite easily, especially considering that there's a section for which percentile the student's in. Hmm...

Gosh, nothing interesting ever happens in my life that's really (publicly) blog-worthy. Everyday, I go through the same cycle of going to school, going home and trying to do homework while feeling exhausted, and feeling guilty for not exercising and... other stuff. While I'm thinking about that "other stuff," I realized that I should probably go discuss that at some point, but some unknown force, which is probably my conscience or extreme awkwardness, makes me hesitate and decide against it. Ahh, my life.

At least spring/Olympic break is coming up soon. I'm somewhat regretting not getting tickets for any Olympic event, but it'd probably be awkward and overly rowdy anyways. I'm going to make a vow with myself to try and go out as much as possible during the break, but considering how difficult getting around will be and the fact that I haven't even started studying or compiling notes for my IB exams yet, I don't really see that happening, despite my fervent hopes.

Everything fades to black

Last night, I failed at sleeping again. Earlier that evening, I had already learned to accept the inevitable in that I probably wasn't going to be able to sleep for quite some time, especially given that I had slept at 4am the night before. With this in mind, I attempted to get some quotes from Dante for my World Lit essay, but I ended up spending hours on Facebook and YouTube instead. I have no idea what's wrong with my motivation. Usually, the guilt from not doing work and wasting time always got to me, and I was always able to make myself accomplish things with that in mind. However, the guilt seems to be have been displaced by the sheer width of all the things that I have to do in the next little while, particularly all the scholarship applications. Sigh. With the great expectations that come with exceptional blessings, the pressure is accentuated to an unimaginable extent. I honestly don't feel as if I could live up to the "role" that seems to have been bestowed up on me. Sigh, again.

Back to my sleeping issues: I attempted to call it a night at around 2:45am, but I didn't actually end up falling asleep until 5:30am. Needless to say my hours of slumber were extremely fleeting, and it felt like I had just managed to fall asleep when I was promptly awoken about an hour and a half later. Joy. I attempted to caffeinate myself, and although I no longer felt tired, I didn't exactly feel that great either. Physical health issues aside, I can't help but turn to the spiritual aspects of my insomnia. The last time I had such an epic failure in slumber, I could feel that God was trying to tell me to do something that was vital to my relationship with Him; something that I had lived with for years, but never managed to shake off. Although I may have succeeded in climbing out of that pit for a short while, I fell again, only to land at an even deeper depth than what I was at before. I can only wonder what God's trying to tell me this time; a similar message, I'm sure, but who knows. 

To-Do List

Because there's just so much!

• UBC MES application
• McGill MES application
• UT Scholarship form
• Dogwood District scholarship form
• *some other scholarship* application
• History 6 Day War research
• World Lit II - reading, planning, writing

T_T Busy busy rest of break.

When it all boils down

I thought I would be really happy to quit piano. I finally won't have to go home and resign myself to practicing for1.5 hours. However, when it all boils down to the last day before my exam, the feeling's actually kind of bittersweet. Yes, I'll finally be free, but this is something I've done for the past 11 years of my life. After all that, am I really willing to just give it up? Of course, I could just continue sporadically with lessons, but would they really be worth it if I'm so busy with school and, eventually, university? Also, how could I possibly motivate myself to the extent I'm at right now if I don't have the pressure of an oncoming exam to prepare for? Sigh.

L'avenir

The other day, a teacher asked me what the "plans for September" were. Of course, I instantly replied with "sciences," but he suggested "music, or at least arts" to me instead. I laughed it off at the time, but later, I really thought about it. 

I've always been "enlivened" by sciences; it was always so interesting to me, as nerdy as it sounds. Although I may resent it most of the time sometimes, such as when the work load's totally strenuous and overwhelming, I had always taken it as a given that I'd do sciences in university and then move on to either medical or dental school. Now, I'm not really sure. I certainly do stand firm by my choice with sciences, yet a small part of me wonders what my future would be like if I actually pursued music. Do I really think I have the talent to make it as some sort of a musical superstar? That life would be filled with way too many uncertainties for me to feel comfortable with. I'd have to constantly worry if I get enough gigs or record sales to make a profit or even stay afloat, and that would end up depending on whether or not people like me enough as an artist to support me with their funds. I'm not exactly the most talented person out there. Sure, I can play the pieces I'm being tested on in less than 2 days (!!!), but they're not exactly perfect. I may have (somewhat) big dreams and a passable level of talent, but what's going to separate me from the thousands upon thousands of people who also have those qualities and don't actually get anywhere? Am I to pull a Lady Gaga and burst on to the scene with my interesting style of dress, barely appropriate song lyrics and nonsensical stage antics? If only. Simply doing a major in music may not necessarily mean that I'm going to pursue it for the rest of my life. However, it would certainly be a welcome change, especially since I can apply to med school with any degree. I obviously wouldn't have the knowledge and experience that a science undergrad would provide for me, but I suppose it couldn't hurt, right? 

Of course, I could always double major in sciences and music, which would definitely show off my "versatility." However, after perusing around online for a bit, it seems like that would require a lot of work. Plus, music courses are harder to score well in, given the difficulty of theoretical and performance classes. I could always minor in music, but apparently that's "all theoretical." Sounds kinda lame to me, to be honest. 

It's funny; I hardly ever give any thought to my life after high school as a result of all the homework that I have to put up with consistently, and now I feel... confusion. I wish I could interpret my thoughts better. What exactly am I feeling, or am I even feeling at all? 

Maybe I'm just going crazy from the afternoon-long practices and the adequate amounts of sleep. On the other hand, perhaps these conflicting thoughts are placed in my mind in order to make me really realize that whatever path I choose, it's going to be my future: no doubts, no going back, 100%. 

A Twist in my Story

Slow down; world isn't watching us break down,
It's safe to say we're alone now: we're alone now.
Not a whisper, the only noise is the receiver,
I'm counting the seconds until you break the silence,
So please just break the silence.
The whispers turn to shouting,
the shouting turns into tears,
Your tears turned into laughter,
And it takes away our fear

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die,
I can't take my eyes off of you.

I'm longing for words to describe how I'm feeling,
I'm feeling inspired; my world just flipped, turned upside down,
It turned around, say what's that sound
It's my heartbeat, it's getting much louder
My heart, it's stronger than ever,
I'm feeling so alive; I'm feeling so alive
The whispers turned to shouting,
THe shouting turns to tears,
Your tears turned into laughter,
And it takes away our fears

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off of you

I'm finally waking up, a twist in my story
It's time I opened up and let your love right through me
I'm finally waking up, a twist in my story
It's time I opened up, and let your love right through me
'cause that's what you get hwen you see your life through someone else's eyes
That's what you get, that's what you get

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off of you

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off of you

Rebound

Sigh; resolution 3 was such a fail, but I think I saw that one coming back to haunt me anyways. Come to think of it, all my resolutions were major fails: I'm definitely not sleeping or exercising more at all. In fact, apart from the brief sprinting-jog I had today (it was cold and getting dark; jogging in the dark is scary because cars might hit me) and the 9 hours I got last night, the exact opposites of those two things are happening.

And I did so well for the first week, too... Oh well. Maybe I should think, "reminder to self: pray."

1 week, 2 days.

Chomp chomp

It's funny how when we reach into the cookie jar just to grab one cookie, we can't stop eating them, even if we till ourselves "just one." We continually consume until we feel terrible afterwards from all the sugar, even if the process of eating itself makes us happy. On the other hand, if we were to resist altogether and never grab that first cookie, then we'd never have that problem, and our craving would eventually go away. That first cookie just always has to be the deadliest.

It's too bad my cookie jar is bottomless.

Anti-Reconciliation

And there I go again. 

Nevertheless, it made me come to terms with my disdain for people who lay all the blame for their sins on Satan and constantly saying how he's always just "waiting at every corner for an opportunity to waylay us." Okay, so he's obviously going to have to get some of the blame for tempting us and trying to draw us away from God. However, the point remains that we're the ones putting ourselves through that sinful action in the first place. Instead of simply blaming Satan and shifting the guilt away in thinking that, "Oh, it's Satan's fault, not mine: I'm innocent," perhaps we should seek to reap what we sow and admit that we've willingly sinned.

On the other hand, it's hard to overcome that most of the time. 

Looking back

As I walked into my living room towards my piano yesterday, I realized that there stood the item that I had slaved over for the greater part of my life. I thought to myself, "Wow... This collection of wood and metal that (supposedly) produces beautiful music essentially took away my adolescence."

When I was 7 and all the other kids played outside during dinnertime, why did I have to reject? "Sorry, I have piano." I still remember literally looking outside my window, seeing them play on the little strip of lawn belonging to them that bordered our lawn.

When I was 11 and invited to hang out with one of my neighbours, what did I say? "Sorry, I have to go practice piano."

When I was 16 and desperately stressed with IB, what did I still have to do instead of sleeping and finishing homework? "Brb, piano."

When I was 17 and wanted to actually leave my house during winter break, why couldn't I? "I have to piano."

I then contemplated the benefits. I'm sure they're embedded in there somewhere, but they're far and few between. Maybe I'll find them someday

On a side note, the week's been somewhat interesting. Lots of piano, not a lot of sleep (I calculated that I slept a grand total of 19 hours from Monday to Friday, which is the same amount some people get over the two days of the weekend), an okay amount of thought. Monday and Wednesday were definitely the... pinnacles of that situation. I wish I had more time to spare so that I could write the story, but it'll have to wait for now in favour of studying math and chem. I know that I have to write it out because it's the only thing that will really bring me closure and put a conclusion to this whole thing, but will I really be able to muster the willpower to dig that far deep?

Sleepless

I had a very interesting day today. After staying up till 5am every night, I tried to sleep at 2am last night after studying a bit of math, but trying to sleep was futile. I lay there for 4 hours, tossing and turning, reading the Bible, praying, listening to music, yoga, meditating (on God), watching TV, drinking water - you name the technique, it didn't work for me. So, by 6am, I cracked open my laptop and went on Facebook for an hour before "waking up." I spent the entire day halfway between collapsing and hysterics: everything seemed really funny during one moment, but the next, my eyelids would be drooping and my head would be balanced on my hand. Yes, today was not a fun day.

But there was something... interesting. I confined. It was awkward, and I was half hysterical. And now I'm not sure what to make of it. I could feel that God had wanted me to tell for quite some time, but why exactly? Maybe it made me realize this: while I've been praying for God's strength to overcome this, I need more than just His strength: I need Him in my life, in my mind, in my body, in my soul. After all, the strength of the Lord isn't a rental car I can take for a spin and return later when I don't need it. It's a really, really nice car that I want to fully buy all the rights to and not even pay lease, because that's how cool it is. I suppose praying for God's strength for assistance isn't necessarily wrong, but when it's just for assistance: perhaps that's the real issue there.

But who knows. I should sleep soon, but I hope I'm not kept awake by the guilt, shame and self-disgust that have plagued my nights for the past couple of weeks. Now that'd be a shame.

1 Corinthians 10:13

"No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it." 

The "Naughty Noughties" are no more

2009... Wow, what a year. Lots of new experiences and good memories, lots of people dying, lots of new people in my life, and a good number of not-so-good times. But would I say it was an awesome, life-changing year? In some ways, yes; but the slightly scary thing is that 2010 will be even more of a revolutionary year. And, good riddance, I'm ready to embrace it with open arms.

My New Years Resolutions? I say they're pretty important, especially since it's a whole new decade and everything. Here it goes:

1. Exercise more - do I want to be a skinny-armed, fat-bodied Asian boy forever?
2. Finish my EE - that shiz just has to get off of my plate and out of my mind!
3. Stop committing that one sin - it's funny how I've tried to shake it off for so long, and yet I've never succeeded. It's popped up on so many "resolution" lists that it's practically become recurring. Why do all the worst things in life just feel so good. On the other hand, what kind of temptation can stand in the face of the Lord, anyways? Mmhmm; black sin, you're going down this year, this decade, this life.

And there we go, nice and simple. Can't be that hard, eh?