To-Do List

Because there's just so much!

• UBC MES application
• McGill MES application
• UT Scholarship form
• Dogwood District scholarship form
• *some other scholarship* application
• History 6 Day War research
• World Lit II - reading, planning, writing

T_T Busy busy rest of break.

When it all boils down

I thought I would be really happy to quit piano. I finally won't have to go home and resign myself to practicing for1.5 hours. However, when it all boils down to the last day before my exam, the feeling's actually kind of bittersweet. Yes, I'll finally be free, but this is something I've done for the past 11 years of my life. After all that, am I really willing to just give it up? Of course, I could just continue sporadically with lessons, but would they really be worth it if I'm so busy with school and, eventually, university? Also, how could I possibly motivate myself to the extent I'm at right now if I don't have the pressure of an oncoming exam to prepare for? Sigh.

L'avenir

The other day, a teacher asked me what the "plans for September" were. Of course, I instantly replied with "sciences," but he suggested "music, or at least arts" to me instead. I laughed it off at the time, but later, I really thought about it. 

I've always been "enlivened" by sciences; it was always so interesting to me, as nerdy as it sounds. Although I may resent it most of the time sometimes, such as when the work load's totally strenuous and overwhelming, I had always taken it as a given that I'd do sciences in university and then move on to either medical or dental school. Now, I'm not really sure. I certainly do stand firm by my choice with sciences, yet a small part of me wonders what my future would be like if I actually pursued music. Do I really think I have the talent to make it as some sort of a musical superstar? That life would be filled with way too many uncertainties for me to feel comfortable with. I'd have to constantly worry if I get enough gigs or record sales to make a profit or even stay afloat, and that would end up depending on whether or not people like me enough as an artist to support me with their funds. I'm not exactly the most talented person out there. Sure, I can play the pieces I'm being tested on in less than 2 days (!!!), but they're not exactly perfect. I may have (somewhat) big dreams and a passable level of talent, but what's going to separate me from the thousands upon thousands of people who also have those qualities and don't actually get anywhere? Am I to pull a Lady Gaga and burst on to the scene with my interesting style of dress, barely appropriate song lyrics and nonsensical stage antics? If only. Simply doing a major in music may not necessarily mean that I'm going to pursue it for the rest of my life. However, it would certainly be a welcome change, especially since I can apply to med school with any degree. I obviously wouldn't have the knowledge and experience that a science undergrad would provide for me, but I suppose it couldn't hurt, right? 

Of course, I could always double major in sciences and music, which would definitely show off my "versatility." However, after perusing around online for a bit, it seems like that would require a lot of work. Plus, music courses are harder to score well in, given the difficulty of theoretical and performance classes. I could always minor in music, but apparently that's "all theoretical." Sounds kinda lame to me, to be honest. 

It's funny; I hardly ever give any thought to my life after high school as a result of all the homework that I have to put up with consistently, and now I feel... confusion. I wish I could interpret my thoughts better. What exactly am I feeling, or am I even feeling at all? 

Maybe I'm just going crazy from the afternoon-long practices and the adequate amounts of sleep. On the other hand, perhaps these conflicting thoughts are placed in my mind in order to make me really realize that whatever path I choose, it's going to be my future: no doubts, no going back, 100%. 

A Twist in my Story

Slow down; world isn't watching us break down,
It's safe to say we're alone now: we're alone now.
Not a whisper, the only noise is the receiver,
I'm counting the seconds until you break the silence,
So please just break the silence.
The whispers turn to shouting,
the shouting turns into tears,
Your tears turned into laughter,
And it takes away our fear

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die,
I can't take my eyes off of you.

I'm longing for words to describe how I'm feeling,
I'm feeling inspired; my world just flipped, turned upside down,
It turned around, say what's that sound
It's my heartbeat, it's getting much louder
My heart, it's stronger than ever,
I'm feeling so alive; I'm feeling so alive
The whispers turned to shouting,
THe shouting turns to tears,
Your tears turned into laughter,
And it takes away our fears

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off of you

I'm finally waking up, a twist in my story
It's time I opened up and let your love right through me
I'm finally waking up, a twist in my story
It's time I opened up, and let your love right through me
'cause that's what you get hwen you see your life through someone else's eyes
That's what you get, that's what you get

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off of you

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off of you

Rebound

Sigh; resolution 3 was such a fail, but I think I saw that one coming back to haunt me anyways. Come to think of it, all my resolutions were major fails: I'm definitely not sleeping or exercising more at all. In fact, apart from the brief sprinting-jog I had today (it was cold and getting dark; jogging in the dark is scary because cars might hit me) and the 9 hours I got last night, the exact opposites of those two things are happening.

And I did so well for the first week, too... Oh well. Maybe I should think, "reminder to self: pray."

1 week, 2 days.

Chomp chomp

It's funny how when we reach into the cookie jar just to grab one cookie, we can't stop eating them, even if we till ourselves "just one." We continually consume until we feel terrible afterwards from all the sugar, even if the process of eating itself makes us happy. On the other hand, if we were to resist altogether and never grab that first cookie, then we'd never have that problem, and our craving would eventually go away. That first cookie just always has to be the deadliest.

It's too bad my cookie jar is bottomless.

Anti-Reconciliation

And there I go again. 

Nevertheless, it made me come to terms with my disdain for people who lay all the blame for their sins on Satan and constantly saying how he's always just "waiting at every corner for an opportunity to waylay us." Okay, so he's obviously going to have to get some of the blame for tempting us and trying to draw us away from God. However, the point remains that we're the ones putting ourselves through that sinful action in the first place. Instead of simply blaming Satan and shifting the guilt away in thinking that, "Oh, it's Satan's fault, not mine: I'm innocent," perhaps we should seek to reap what we sow and admit that we've willingly sinned.

On the other hand, it's hard to overcome that most of the time. 

Looking back

As I walked into my living room towards my piano yesterday, I realized that there stood the item that I had slaved over for the greater part of my life. I thought to myself, "Wow... This collection of wood and metal that (supposedly) produces beautiful music essentially took away my adolescence."

When I was 7 and all the other kids played outside during dinnertime, why did I have to reject? "Sorry, I have piano." I still remember literally looking outside my window, seeing them play on the little strip of lawn belonging to them that bordered our lawn.

When I was 11 and invited to hang out with one of my neighbours, what did I say? "Sorry, I have to go practice piano."

When I was 16 and desperately stressed with IB, what did I still have to do instead of sleeping and finishing homework? "Brb, piano."

When I was 17 and wanted to actually leave my house during winter break, why couldn't I? "I have to piano."

I then contemplated the benefits. I'm sure they're embedded in there somewhere, but they're far and few between. Maybe I'll find them someday

On a side note, the week's been somewhat interesting. Lots of piano, not a lot of sleep (I calculated that I slept a grand total of 19 hours from Monday to Friday, which is the same amount some people get over the two days of the weekend), an okay amount of thought. Monday and Wednesday were definitely the... pinnacles of that situation. I wish I had more time to spare so that I could write the story, but it'll have to wait for now in favour of studying math and chem. I know that I have to write it out because it's the only thing that will really bring me closure and put a conclusion to this whole thing, but will I really be able to muster the willpower to dig that far deep?

Sleepless

I had a very interesting day today. After staying up till 5am every night, I tried to sleep at 2am last night after studying a bit of math, but trying to sleep was futile. I lay there for 4 hours, tossing and turning, reading the Bible, praying, listening to music, yoga, meditating (on God), watching TV, drinking water - you name the technique, it didn't work for me. So, by 6am, I cracked open my laptop and went on Facebook for an hour before "waking up." I spent the entire day halfway between collapsing and hysterics: everything seemed really funny during one moment, but the next, my eyelids would be drooping and my head would be balanced on my hand. Yes, today was not a fun day.

But there was something... interesting. I confined. It was awkward, and I was half hysterical. And now I'm not sure what to make of it. I could feel that God had wanted me to tell for quite some time, but why exactly? Maybe it made me realize this: while I've been praying for God's strength to overcome this, I need more than just His strength: I need Him in my life, in my mind, in my body, in my soul. After all, the strength of the Lord isn't a rental car I can take for a spin and return later when I don't need it. It's a really, really nice car that I want to fully buy all the rights to and not even pay lease, because that's how cool it is. I suppose praying for God's strength for assistance isn't necessarily wrong, but when it's just for assistance: perhaps that's the real issue there.

But who knows. I should sleep soon, but I hope I'm not kept awake by the guilt, shame and self-disgust that have plagued my nights for the past couple of weeks. Now that'd be a shame.

1 Corinthians 10:13

"No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it." 

The "Naughty Noughties" are no more

2009... Wow, what a year. Lots of new experiences and good memories, lots of people dying, lots of new people in my life, and a good number of not-so-good times. But would I say it was an awesome, life-changing year? In some ways, yes; but the slightly scary thing is that 2010 will be even more of a revolutionary year. And, good riddance, I'm ready to embrace it with open arms.

My New Years Resolutions? I say they're pretty important, especially since it's a whole new decade and everything. Here it goes:

1. Exercise more - do I want to be a skinny-armed, fat-bodied Asian boy forever?
2. Finish my EE - that shiz just has to get off of my plate and out of my mind!
3. Stop committing that one sin - it's funny how I've tried to shake it off for so long, and yet I've never succeeded. It's popped up on so many "resolution" lists that it's practically become recurring. Why do all the worst things in life just feel so good. On the other hand, what kind of temptation can stand in the face of the Lord, anyways? Mmhmm; black sin, you're going down this year, this decade, this life.

And there we go, nice and simple. Can't be that hard, eh?