Romans 6:1-2

¹What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? ²By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?

Romans 7:14-25

¹⁴We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. ¹⁵I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. ¹⁶And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. ¹⁸I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. ¹⁹For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. ²⁰Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.


 ²¹So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. ²²For in my inner being I delight in God's law; ²³but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. ²⁴What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? ²⁵Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!
      So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

Clueless?

"It all boiled down to one inevitable conclusion: I was just totally clueless."

Nana's Reprise

I wanna tell you something,
Give you something,
Show you with so many ways;
'cause it will all mean nothing,
If I don't say something,
Before it all goes away;
Don't wanna wait to bring you flowers,
Waste another hour, let alone another day;
I wanna tell you something, give you something before it's all too late.

Finally

I'm brushing my teeth and typing at the same time. It's somewhat failing.

When I woke up this morning, I had another nosebleed. >< At least this one didn't interrupt my slumber in the middle of the night. My mom told me the Chinese cold medications that I had been taking makes your nose dry in order to counter nasal congestion, so that was probably why I kept getting nosebleeds randomly. I think the loss of blood affected me a lot in chem because I started feeling super dizzy throughout the entire class. By lunch I was fine, but it was a weird feeling of weakness.

Today was Christmas spirit day. I came in a green sheet and tinsel and tried to laud myself as a Christmas tree, but I gave up and instead passed for the "ghost of Christmas present." T_T

I went and talked to him about my essay today, particularly why my "language" criteria was so low this time around. Were my fob days returning? He said that he might've marked me too hard on language, but my essay's flaws were a lack of flow, vagueness in some of the things I said and repeating myself. He also mentioned that it wouldn't affect my predicted mark too badly because all the other important things I had done had been "good," including (surprisingly) my IOC. I guess I should stop worrying... Hopefully my next essay doesn't end up like that, too.

When I came home, I wasted time playing Sims, but I think some external force wants me to do more productive things and kept giving me problems. In the meantime, I cleaned out my drawer, and it was an intense experience. I always throw random things in there like pieces of paper and other small trinkets, so I ended up uncovering a lot of those today. I certainly keep a lot of... crap. Yes. It was dusty.

I then attempted to practice piano, but I feel asleep three times. The first time was I went to the couch to take a break, but I ended up falling asleep. After that, I'm pretty sure I fell asleep while playing a slow-tempo prelude. The final and most sounding time was the third, when I put my head down on the stand and completely fell asleep. When my mom woke me up 10 minutes later, I started playing again, but I had unknowingly drooled in my sleep (yes, I do that; my mouth hangs open). As I played, I noticed something wet on the keys, and... yeah. Ironically, I felt much more awake afterwards, although I still felt completely horrible for the rest of that piano practice. :( I hope I don't get owned in my lesson tomorrow. After that, 4 hour daily practice sessions, here I come.

I'm glad it's a work Christmas break now, though. :) Time to work on my EE for every possible moment sleep in and cherish familial time. Harhar.

I've added reaction labels now, so my blog stalkers readers can anonymously tell me about what they think of my lame posts on my mundane, IB-absorbed life, which is stuck in paralysis. So far, I have 3 for lame, 1 for interesting, and 0 for wow!. I guess that's to be expected when I all I blog about is nothing. Oh well.

Sleep, chief nourisher in life's great feast.

I am really, really mentally exhausted right now. I should probably be doing my TOK essay instead of blogging, but whatever. Yesterday, I changed my layout again - I'm swear I'm OCD with it or something. Now, it's a lot more basic and cleaner... In a way, I kind of like the whole "back to basics" approach, even though some people might think it's boring. Nonetheless, I didn't particularly like how so many other people had it too; it was time for a change. :P

Today was an okay day. At 4:45am, I woke up to discover that I had left the TV on. I closed it and fell asleep again, but at 5:45am I woke up and found myself having a nosebleed. I swear it was that "humidifier" my dad bought; I'm guessing my huge headache last night was from that too. In history, I ended up falling asleep and completely losing consciousness. Usually, if I fall asleep in class, I'll still be semi-awake and still know when he's talking or not. Today, I awoke to find him standing pretty close to me talking about the Russian counterattack on the American naval blockade during the Cuban Missile Crisis, but I was completely disorientated. It was weird, and I ended up falling asleep again afterwards.

Last night, I worked for 6 hours to finish all the English stuff, so now I have to do the same for my TOK essay tonight as well as practicing piano for 2-3 hours (sigh). Crunch time pretty much starts right around... now. Why am I blogging? Who knows. I guess it gets my brain waves active, so that's a plus.

I suppose I should do something now... sigh. This is why there's really no point in me blogging; all I ever do is talk about IB, as demonstrated by the label. IB, IB, IB, why?

Inadequacy

Right now, I'm sitting here coughing away in front of my computer while listening to the gurgling of the humidifier and thinking about when dinner is. This humidifier somewhat fails; while my room does feel a little less dry, the air that comes out is cold. :( Brr; I'm freezing now. Being cold is definitely not a good condition to be in during an illness, if this can even be counted as one. I don't necessarily feel horrible, but sometimes that "sick feeling" washes over me at completely random times, and I feel absolutely exhausted. In addition to those fun things, my eyes are sore, my sinuses are constantly clogged, my ear feels really stuffy, my voice is dying, and I keep having random coughs of varying severity. X_X Ugh. I read in a useless biology case study that stress reduces the amount of white blood cells in your body. Obviously, I wouldn't be surprised if that were happening to me.

Well, now it's time to complain about (academic) life, which is all I do on here anyways. A while ago, I blogged about how I felt incompetent. Going through the past few months, that feeling slowly ebbed away. Unfortunately, it came back today in English class, when I got one of my lowest essay marks ever. Okay, so it's better than that life-shattering 12/25 I got last year, but only slightly. And that's the thing: such a mark decided to impose itself on me at a highly inconvenient time, since it's the middle of Year 2, and predicted marks are coming up pretty darn soon. I don't even know if I deserved the mark or not; he seemed to mark me down mainly for being a bit vague on some things. I overheard him mentioning grammatical issues to other people, but he didn't even say anything extremely significant to me... He then proceeded to round it off by saying that on some days with some topics, I may not be able to succeed. Still, I don't see how in the world I could go from 6s and 7s to... this. I thought everybody's supposed to be moving forwards, not taking steps backwards. I honestly feel like giving back my IB English 11 award and giving it to somebody who actually deserves it, not some loner fob of a failure.

Nevertheless, I'll have to admit that something's up with my English and language skills. It seems like I can't connect ideas and make them flow as well anymore. I'm guessing it's a combined factor of how I always thought in French for the latter part of the last schooling year, the fact that I spend most of my time at home during weekends simply sitting in my room and not communicating with anybody and my concentration on other subjects besides English.

On top of all that, I'm completely hopeless for piano now. I may have memorized all of my pieces at some point in time, but I'll have random splurges where I'll just forget what to play next. Also, there are some works that I can't even play that well in the first place. I know I need more time to practice, but how am I supposed to fit that in with schooling? Four hours of practice each weekday would simply be impossible unless I subjected myself to even later sleeping times...

Yes, it's sad how school and academics seem to affect me so much. What's the reason? Why can't I just let go and live? Is it a desire to live up to the expectations of my parents? Is it a worry for my future? Is it just my personality?

As melodramatic as it sounds, sometimes I wish I could just shake the shackles off and live: to feel the wind on my face as I forget about it all... If only.

The Hopelessly Mundane

According to Anne, I don't blog enough. Of course, nobody that I personally know blogs as much as she does on her her blog. Perhaps I'm justified in that way. Oh well, I guess at least a small portion of people will be pleased if I were to start wtiing about every hopelessly mundane detail of my life, like I used to in grade 8 or 9.
Today was an alright day; it wasn't too bad on 4.5 hours of sleep, I suppose. I realized that I may suffer from mood swings: sometimes, I'll be feeling totally depressed and thinking FML to myself, but other times, I'm all cheery and giddy. Maybe it's just a natural human process, but I don't really notice it myself. Could it be bipolar disorder? No.

Hm, what else is there to talk about... I killed a forest today in biology by printing out about 100 pages of Clegg and case studies. I'm sure the environment won't mind too much; after all, I can just recycle all the paper. :)

 Gloria's daughter on the Sims, LOL!

I suppose I should do some work now, but I have this big urge to go play Sims. I don't know what's wrong with me, but lately I've been becoming re-addicted to that silly game. There's something addictive about it that I just can't explain, but I can't let it get in the way of my schoolwork, especially since I have yet to start my E, and I should probably apply for UBC and UT soon. Applying to university is such a cool moment: everything I've worked for throughout my grade school career has ultimately culminated to this. It seems like a daunting thing right now, but I try not to think about the distant future until it starts to come a little closer than now.

When my internet died

My internet was down yesterday. I was really mad and tired the entire day, so out of desperation, I looked at the old pictures that were on my computer. Looking back on my Cuba photos, I realized that most of them involved me in some way, either with friends, scenery or the people we worked with. I considered this revelation for the first time and felt as if I had been in paralysis (sigh) for the past two years or so, but I quickly got over it. Surprisingly, it reminded me of a certain short story I had studied before.

In the meantime, I made this picture:

I kind of wanted to see if I had changed at all throughout high school. Such contemplations had been nonexistant to me for the past several years in favour of other tasks. As I near graduation, I remain undecided as to the answer of my own question. Maybe I should find the time to do otherwise.

I don't feel like doing TOK right now.

Last night, I kind of felt sick-ish, but at least I feel better now. My English essay on hell did not go super well; I'm not exactly sure how "analytical" I was, but the topic itself didn't really let me be that "analytical" anyways. Afterwards, I realized that I should've mentioned tone or atmosphere or some other actual literary device as opposed to all the stuff that I made up. The Chem test wasn't super great either: I forgot to do something fundamentally important, so I'm pretty sure I just lost about 3-5 marks there. Hopefully I can still get a 7, but I kind of doubt it now.

In History, Gloria and Ginny fell asleep. As a result of my latte, I managed to stay awake throughout the video, although I wouldn't exactly be able to say that I was fully paying attention. So, I pushed Gloria's shoes in front of Ginny, since she had taken them off before falling asleep. When they both woke up at the end of class, something like this happened:

Gloria: Where are my shoes?
Ginny: What the heck is this thing under my feet?
Andy: Ginny, how could you steal Gloria's shoes?
Ginny: I swear I didn't, I was sleeping! Maybe Gloria pushed them over to me.
Gloria: I didn't do that either; I was sleeping too.

 Oh, the mystery of the magically moving shoes. Telekinesis? Walking shoes? Who knows.

On an unrelated note, being caffeinated this week was a new experience. By the end of Monday, I felt like I hadn't slept for days yet was somehow awake, but by Wednesday I was wide awake. I don't know if I'll be continuing this tradition though; perhaps until the end of the next horrible week. On a side note of the side note, next week really does not seem pretty at all: I have my TOK oral on Tuesday (anybody want to trade places? :D) and my English Commentary the next. It's a funny feeling when events that you've been dreading but passed off as being "still months away" suddenly creep on to you shortly before they happen. I remember being told last year that I should work hard on my EE over the summer and try to finish it by Christmas to avoid having to deal with it over the break. I then thought to myself, "Wow, that'd never be me," but look where I am now... Perhaps I should do that, along with my bio lab, at the end of the next week.

That is, assuming I survive it.

HCYGSL?

 (not the real HCYGSL beeg)

Recently, I found out about something you said to somebody else that you shouldn't've. It didn't really involve me, but I thought we made an agreement that the stories of my horror and repulsion should stay between us. I already had a strong feeling that this was a distinct possibility, but I trusted you and I thought you wouldn't. Even when I asked you if you had actually committed such an action, you denied it; albeit casually, but the answer was "no." Maybe it was a mistake of my doing on the first place, but I didn't even want to face the possibility of reaping the consequences as a result of what you've done in response to what I've done. Although it may have been accidental (which I doubt), what's done is done. It's been months now and I don't really care that much anymore. I don't think I have the emotions to spare for true anger or annoyance, but I only have two questions for you: why, and how can you go so low?

To-Do List

Even though this is so so lame, I'm going to put this here because frankly, I'm having a hard time trying to organize all my thoughts. So, here we go:

• Chem lab, due Friday (if he gives us another one next week, I will cry)
  
• Chem test, next Friday
• Biology test, tomorrow
• History Korean War timeline, Monday
  
• English "hell" essay, Monday (maybe I'll just write about IB)
  
• English IOC, December 1-onwards
• TOK Oral, December 1-onwards?
  
• TOK Essay, November 30
• EE... eventually

Maybe I should shut up and do stuff now. At least I can see everything in a list, though. 

hey y'all

lizzles kim is the coolest bizznatch out thereeeee beeges

Stalemate

n.

1. A situation in which further action is blocked; a deadlock.

2. My present academic and social life.

It's going down like a denominator

I'm waiting for dinner before practicing piano, so I guess I'll blog. There is, once again, not much going on in my life, but since I have nothing better to do in 15 minutes, I'll write random, meaningless things here.

My EE is still non-existent at this moment. I was going to talk to him again, but he mysteriously vanished today. Instead, I had one of the worst band classes ever; the time went by very, very slowly. I tried to pass it by studying biology, but the weird thing about ecology is that it's easy to be under the illusion that you know it all. Deducing primary consumers from secondary isn't a hard process at all, and I was therefore aptly reminded of the reasons why I always study or do homework in band. At the same time, the magnitude of my regret for not dropping the course while I still could was definitely accentuated by today. I could've made my escape from something useless to something seemingly productive but likely to end up useless anyways (aka a study block), but nooo, I chose to be "cool" and continue suffering. Oh well.

Surprisingly, my math and biology test marks somehow ended up nicely. If it's one thing I hate, it's me blogging about marks; but once again, I don't really have much else to say. Those were definitely, um, "highlights" of my day I guess.

After dinner, I should practice piano, do TOK, and maybe do some EE books. My EE books went overdue... for like 5 days... and I have like, 20... FML. At least piano is "okay;" yesterday, I played after taking a three-day sick break, and somehow, the keys felt really crisp to me. Sometimes, when I'm stuck in the routine of having to play 1.5-2 hours every single day, I kind of lose that nice feeling the piano gives me. Although I can't do this all the time, letting my fingers rest for a while was definitely a good enough sacrifice.

Well, that blog was about nothing.

And it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong.

Wow, I just realized that I haven't blogged for a longgg time. Guess I haven't really had the chance to, nor an actually good reason for doing so. I'm sure I said this somewhere, but my life, although "stressful," isn't really super noteworthy. What's so exciting about hearing all the stuff that I have to do? That would make for a pretty lame blog.

Nevertheless, I'm still pretty stressed about my EE. I wanted to talk to him yesterday, but he was busy during TOK. I was supposed to go today at lunch, but I had a nervous breakdown because of math (which wasn't even that bad...) and then he was busy during E block. I then planned to visit him tomorrow, but I realized that he's not going to be here. T_T Ugh. I can't really do much at the moment; if this were an English EE, it'd be the equivalent of me not having the novel I need to start, since I don't have the sheet music for "A Prisoner from Warsaw," and I can't find it anywhere! Sigh.

The dreaded math "final" was today. To my delight, there weren't any super long 20-mark questions; in fact, all of them were 4-6 marks, and all of the were "relatively" easy. I hope I did well. :) Strangely, studying for it reminded me of my days in grade 9. Whether or not I thought that was a good year is definitely debatable... It was undoubtedly a year of change in more ways than one, and definitely not simply from making the transition into high school.

I've been sick the past few days. On Sunday, I woke up at 12:45PM, and literally spent the entire day in bed. I studied chem and math in preparation for their respective tests this week, but I swear I was half-delusional at the time. I wasn't coughing as much, but my throat was sore, and I was sneezing so much that I used up an entire box of tissues in only a couple of days. :( I went to school to write the chem test on Monday, but I couldn't take it anymore and went home after that block. Even though I wanted to just lie on my bed and sleep (especially after drinking some effective sleep-inducing Chinese herbal medication), I felt the need to desperately study for math. And so that's what I did... for 10 hours. Sigh.

The next day, it was the grad breakfast. The overly dry food made me feel sick and left a horrible taste in my mouth for the rest of the day and being sick and tired made me feel not that well for the duration of the meal, but other than that it was okay, I suppose. We got our letters that we wrote to ourselves in grade 9. After partially burning the envelop by accidentally placing it in a candle, I realized that what I had written was completely and utterly lame. I guess not much has changed really, but looking back at my grade 9 self, I realized that I've definitely grown a lot these past 4 years. Then again, rational and critical thinking after getting up at 6AM is definitely prone to mistake, so who knows.

Our happy table.

Being in my pajamas that day definitely made me a lot sleepier the entire day, though... I definitely fell asleep in history, sigh. The video we were watching talked about stuff that I, for the most part, already knew though, so it's okay.

Right now, I should be studying biology, doing other homework or practicing piano. I've got a master class on Sunday for my Beethoven sonata (eek!), and I've also got a festival in mid-November for that same piece. In addition, I have to prep for Model UN, find outfits for grad pictures and other grad-related events, and other such things. And instead, here I am, blogging. Sigh. One day, I'll end up like Anne with the way my time-management skills are going... But after such trials and tribulations, I think I deserve some kind of a break, right? :P

Well, I guess I should tackle some of my homework mountain now. *The Climb starts playing in the background..."

Up Out My Face

One thing that I've definitely learned this year:

Making friends because I want to have them as friends, not just for the sake of being friends.

It's not worth it to try to be friendly to somebody if they're not going to reciprocate it, they do something to wrong you or you just really don't like them.

Incompetence

So lately I've been feeling so incompetent. That thing about the strong-horse weak-horse is really getting to me. Maybe I'm not working as hard? Maybe I'm just getting stupid? Maybe I'm overreacting? I'm sure it's probably a combination of all three.

Upon receiving my math portfolio, I realized I didn't do that bad. However, a small part of me had wished for a better mark... Once again, it's not horrendous; it's just that I hope I don't get completely owned by moderation.

A similar thing happened with my English commentary on Othello: didn't do absolutely horrible, but could've done better. Definitely missed out on a few things that should've been obvious...

Thinking about the future, namely predicted marks, exams, grad, university acceptance... It's all pretty daunting. Maybe I just need to concentrate on the present for now. Haha.

"Wanna Go To Grad"

My epic rewrite of "Touch My Body," so that it's now a mating call for grad dates:

(Set to the tune of aforementioned song)
Wanna go to grad?
We can dress up,
Go in a limo,
Pick everyone up
Wanna go to grad?
I'll be in a suit
I wanna look like I never have before
Wanna go to grad?
Do my hair at a salon
I'll even shave
Just for this one day
Wanna go to grad?
We can eat and dance and talk,
Increase my photo count to 3,000 on FB, so
Wanna go to grad?

I don't know.

I just don't.

I wish I did.

I wish you knew.

It seems like life is a culmination of various different paths in the forest. They may all lead out of it, but the experience you get from doing so will inevitably vary depending on the decided pathway you choose.

Some are undoubtedly going to be more overbearing, dangerous and treacherous than others.

However, the important thing to remember is that no matter which road we take, we will always eventually end up at the end.

It's times like these when I have to remember to disregard fate and hold tighter to faith to guide me through this "forest" of my life. Whichever path I take is in His ultimate plan, and I just have to trust Him to guide me through safely.

What are my shadows? Indecision. Insecurity. Failure. Rejection. Isolation.

Yet they're all there, overshadowing the light. And it's times like these when I just have to wonder: "why."

Epiphany

It's times like these when I wish I had a male friend to confide in.

Yes, that does sound awkward.

EDIT: I found a substitute.

Languishing

If you could only see
That I was not put here for you
To judge me and dispute my inner most truth

And after all these years of enmity, envy and tears
It's a shame you don't know me at all

I was wondering
Would you cry for me?
If I told you that I couldn't breathe
If I was drowning, suffocating
If I told you that I couldn't breathe

Those ancient buried recollections
We transform them and select them
You have yours, I have mine
That's fine
While we're too torn to heal
Our stitch has never disappeared
I have mine, you have yours
I'm sure

And I was like, "Why are you so obsessed with me?"

To the one that I have to hide from on a Sunday night.

To the one(s?) that will only talk to me about school.

To the ones that will only ask me for help.

To the one that will only talk in circles.

To the one that holds a barren grudge.

To the one that will only talk to me about useless subjects I frankly don't want to listen to when I've got piles of homework.

To the one that looks upon me like an older brother, and uses my image as theirs.

To the one that won't let me drive.

Angels Cry

Lightning don't strike the same place twice,
When you and I said goodbye, I felt the angels cry
True love's a gift, but we let it drift
In the storm, every night, I feel the angels cry

Limitless, omnipresent kind of love:
Couldn't've guessed it would just stop and disappear in a world when
Here I am, walking on this narrow road;
Wobbling but won't let go,
Waiting for a glimpse of the sun's slow rise

The wave: it will go up, only to go down again. Will it arise again or will it just reach the shore?

Alone

Today, I woke up feeling strangely depressed. I didn't even have much to do today, in terms of homework. I guess the stress was finally replaced by "true emotion," as dramatic as that sounds.

After I wasted a couple of hours, I realized why I wasn't feeling as chipper as usual. I think it all has to do with how I'm completely alone in my own neighbourhood and my own city. I felt like an island, surrounded by sea with no neighbours in sight. And not even a touristy, lush, tropical island either; more like an ugly, bare rock outcropping that nobody goes to, like this:

Thinking back on it, I've never really had that much of a purpose for friends that live right next door. Who needs such people when I've got them in other areas? Of course, today I realized that these other cities are pretty far. I don't want to go all the way out to Vancouver or Surrey everytime I went to get bubble tea with somebody.

So, after 3 years of living here, I still haven't really made a good friend in my neighbourhood. Hm. I suppose I had a couple, but they were kind of lame in the end... But it's hard to meet people when I don't go to school in Burnaby. I can't exactly just wait around on my street and hope that somebody will come along with an opportunity to befriend them. When you're little, you obviously made friends by joining other kids in play. Big kids don't play on the streets like they used to anymore. Well, not in the same way at least.

I suppose I'll just have to live with being alone. It's funny how yesterday really made me realize all of this. I wish my friends lived within closer proximity to me. I wish I could have some that I could jog with, or go get bubble tea with, or just waste random time with. Wishes are only wishes though. On the other hand, if I had them, maybe then I'd have (slightly) more a life... Hm.

When it all comes down to it, I wish I had a car.

Is it just a modernist reaction?

I'm writing this on the grounds that nobody else will read it.

I believe that blogs are a satellite for your mind. At 1:33am, when I look at my MSN list and see only 21 people online, I believe that only a very few stations are interpreting my frequencies. Sometimes, it's kind of soothing to have that feeling of being alone, where you're (supposedly) the most honest with yourself. Wow, I went on a tangent, didn't I? Hm.

The expressionist movement in art. Blurred images. The blending of contrasting ideas. Turmoil, chaos. An inability to see what is being shown.

Sometimes, I don't understand things that go on in my life. The possibilities of this or that proceeding unbeknown to me are the things that scare me. These are the types of factors that ruined my grade 10 year. I never knew. I guessed, but I never found out. I asked, but the answers were vague. In my life, I've come to realize that I can't simply accept vagueness. Everything has to have a reasoning, as according to God's plan. I know that He has my best interests in heart, but I never know where they'll take me. I usually prefer the solidity of reassurances.

Actions have consequences; some are negative. These are the ones we don't think of beforehand, because we're foolish that way. When you're feeling a certain way, you disregard the results of your actions, because you're driven by that feeling of natural human instinct that one shares closely with that of the animals. Now that you've done this action and reaped the consequences, the only thing you can feel is regret and confusion.

Five minutes after, you probably told all your friends and remarked about what a bad, annoying person I am. Then again, perhaps I am. And then we talked. Yet to me, something seemed different. Maybe it's just the subject matter. Maybe it's just the way it was said. Maybe I just didn't understand it. But I'm sure it was different.

I just don't understand you sometimes. The song Hot n' Cold really comes into play here. There are times when we laugh, we joke, we talk amiably, and, dare I say, it's "hot". Then there are those times where I'm horrible, or you're cold. And those are the times where I really have to put everything into question.

I've always said that if I could have any superpower, it'd be mind-reading. No, it's not just because I want to baat. I just want the answer. Once again, I hold proper answers and solutions rather firmly. No more of this modality. No more of being indefinite. I'm tired of being unsure. I don't like living like this, as if I'm walking on a narrow cliff where one misstep results in imminent failure.

Maybe one day I'll find the answer, or maybe this is just all in my head (which it probably is). But somehow, it's going to have to stay that way. And I'm going to have to accept that for what it is.

I only want to know.

Me.

Today

Today, I realized three things:

1. I am constantly stressed by all the things that I either have to finish or study for - which I will always have until May, and probably even further along.

2. I am on edge when I am stressed.

3. When I am on edge, I am much more of a betch to people. Maybe I'm just not a naturally good person because of it? Haha.

And that is all.

Too hot to be allowed

And no, I'm not talking about me. ;) It's more like the weather... Hot weather = makes me sleepy = epic fail everything. Like the bio test today. :( I kind of had this theory that maybe I'd have some kind of sophomore slump this year. This idea of being a "strong horse" in Year 1 and a "weak donkey" in Year 2 has really made me super paranoid. It kind of sounds really silly, but I can totally see it start to happen. I bet it's even happening now. =/ I guess I'll just have to try and stick it out. It's probably all in my head anyway, since it practically always is. Who knows.

Um... If you can't tell, it's a horse that fell. Yeah. LOL

English essay tomorrow, chemistry test on Friday. Yippee, my favourite subject ever. *major roll eyes* This last weekend has made me pretty sad; I had to do my Type 2 Math Portfolio for basically every waking hour possible. :( It was not happy. At the same time, the portfolio creates another situation too: people looking for help.

Now I can't pretend like I know what I'm doing all the time, because I seriously don't. In fact, when I got it, I was lost for a longgg time until I finally had a faithful epiphany. Unfortunately, there are others that may not get everything... And that's where the conflict comes in. Do I be a nice person and help them out, or do I try to hide from them and not be a nice person? Well, if I were to help, that would mean freely giving away the work that I had slaved over for such a long time. Plus, we'd both end up having the same answer, and if it spread around even more, then that wouldn't look good at all. Then again, if I don't help, I will not be cast into a good light. Instead, people aren't going to be super happy with me...

Luckily for me, I don't think it applies to me that much - is anybody really angry that I specifically wasn't around that much on MSN last weekend? I actually really doubt it. This doesn't even matter anyway, but oh well. Time to try to continue surviving the heat (ha, a double meaning!) and edit my History IA, sick. x( Yup, pretty sure I'mma fail that one too.

Thought

Some people exude such a negative energy. A world of nice people and happy things would be exciting to live in.

What kind of energy do I exude? Is it negative for our society?

On a side note, certain people cough who incessantly talk to me about school are very.. agacantes. It's not that I don't like being helpful - it's more like I'm not your little homework slave. Don't just assume I'm going to "help" you so willingly.

Whyyawannabringmedown

Sometimes, I don't understand why you're so pissy and on-edge.

I try to talk to you, but the answers are curt and exasperating. You can't maintain a conversation when everything ends with a period.

Is it a phase?

Am I doing something wrong?

Am I being mean?

Is it really just day 28?

Or did you just forget to pack some of these?

Life-time supply of these for your next birthday?

In Laymen's terms, all I can say is: "whyyawannabringmedown?" (yes, it's a song).

Flashback

I am rather jealous of Team Cuba this year. The whole renewed "Outreach hype" really brought me back to this time last year, when I was completely ecstatic about going to such a cool, exotic-sounding place. Never had I imagined that the experience would be so eye-opening, so life-changing, so thought-provoking for me. I could I miss my team; it seems like we've all kind of split apart after our reunion in April. :/ A part of me wishes that I could go back there and see the stuck-in-the-19th-century architect, cram into our 1950s 9-person van and drive off somewhere to do ministries at a cell group. Living my life for the Lord on such a daily basis was much better than what I've got now.

But going back to the same place would be a little bit redundant, no? Even bordering on the line of mo lieu. Still, I somewhat wish I had been on Outreach this year. It even makes me want to consider a missions trip after I graduate... Now wouldn't that be cool?

PS: No, Cuba was not a total "vacation!"

Grad Picture Check-List

Grad-pictures are coming up! Here is my checklist:

1. Get my teeth whitened

2. Get a nice outfit

3. Lose about, say, 10lbs?

4. Make my hair nice

5. Find some good photo-taking companions :)

Yuck

I don't like how it's September already. =.= Time to enter the "inferno" again. I feel bad I haven't started on my EE, or studied for math, or do lots of the things I wanted to do at the beginning of the summer. Where did the time go?

I want a car. When I go out with friends, more and more of them getting their Ns, I don't want to be the one saying, "Alright guys, I'm going to the Skytrain" by myself. Loser much? Is there anything wrong with a nice A4?

Yum, unlike my life right now. Time to go back to history. FML.

Not happy

Today was not an entirely happy day, even though I wholly thought it would most definitely be. Let's see, where shall I start?

So I drag myself out of bed at around 7.30am and start getting ready to head up to SFU for volunteering. I still felt unnaturally cold (despite it being summer) and I was slightly dizzy, but I thought I'd be alright later. Wrong.

During the camp, I felt really dizzy and somewhat woozy most of the time. I couldn't really think or talk straight, and by noon, my throat was so dead I ended up sounding like a druggie when I tried to discipline some of the kids - not one of the most effective methods of action.

When I left at around noontime, I was feeling even worse, but I still had my N test to go. After I finished eating lunch, I wasn't feeling too hot, but drove down to the ICBC office to find my teacher for one final lesson. During the lesson, I was doing okay, but there were still a couple of things that could've led to my potential fail.

Th exam was, however, a whole different story. At first I felt somewhat confident, but I was yelled at a WHOLE lot. Oftentimes, it was mainly stuff like turning too slowly or not going when I had a good opportunity. My examiner seemed rather grumpy, and I thought I was gonna fail for sure. He touched the wheel three times, which I thought was supposed to be an instant fail, but somehow I still made it; he wanted to swerve to avoid some shirtless guy, I tried to turn into a lane where a bus was waiting, and he randomly helped me with some turn. When I was stall-parking, I also hit the rock at the end of the stall, which was also supposedly an instant fail but somehow wasn't. In fact, I didn't even get that many demerits - and they were all for the rather little things too, like I forgot to scan the intersection when I drove through one on a green light once. Then, at times, I drove too slowly too - like what the heck, if the speed limit's 50km/h, what's the problem with 48? It's close enough. He didn't notice when I went 60km/h because he was, guess what, too busy yelling at me. Luckily, by some miracle, I still passed, and it wasn't even "barely" either, which makes me lololol a lot. Normally, you'd think this would be a happy thing, right? Wrong, again.

I got in the car afterwards, but I was in pretty bad shape because of my sickness. My mom told me that I actually had a fever, but she had lied to me before the test so I wouldn't feel nervous. I asked if I could go out and drive to "Metrotown" (lulz) but she said no because I was sick. This brings to mind two major grievances that are spoiling my should-be happy day.

Let's start off with the biking. We've been planning this thing for like what, all summer? It had always been one of us that couldn't go, and this time, it was me. The difference was that I found out I couldn't go about one hour before it was supposed to start. Last night, I didn't think I'd be this sick; I thought I could probably still go, but I guess not. How did I even get sick anyways? It completely makes me feel horrific, and I know they must be super pissed at me now... I hope everything works out in the end. I'm semi-glad that I can rest at home and perhaps get better, but I still feel SUPER SUPER SUPER bad for bailing. :( Oh man.

The other issue is about how I can't drive until my parents buy me a smaller car, which apparently isn't gonna happen until I go to university. I won't even bother "yelling" on here, but it makes me very, very, very, very, very, very pissed. It's wholly UNREASONABLE. My mom thinks I'll go wild and that she'll always be worried that I might kill myself or the car or something. Apparently Anne's mom's (sigh) friend's child ended up with lots of minor accidents (ie. running into posts, failing while parking) when they got their N. It's wholly unfair to judge me according to them! My mom seriously can't expect me to get HER to drive me around EVERYWHERE for the rest of my life. Sure, maybe not when I'm sick like this, but seriously, she can't be serious. I'm not gonna Skytrain for the rest of my life, especially when it's inconvenient for me to do so (ie going to school - which I can't even do! Like wtf?!). Ugh. Doesn't passing my Class 7 test and having my N mean that I'm qualified enough to drive around without being a total hazard on the road? I'd like to think so, right? If I had to express my feelings without actual words, I'd use this: ADKFJOHASDJFHADSO;F'JADGHSK;FGADS
K;HFIJADGKLHFADG;IHFGADJSKFADF.

Wow, I haven't blogged like this for a while now, eh? Guess nothing too big was happening in my life anyways. This just makes me... super pissed. And I still feel like crap from being sick AND bailing AND not being able to drive. :( Tears.

Thought

Isn't it super rude when somebody brings up something, asks you if you know about it, and then refuse to talk about it after if you don't?

Just a thought.

Oww!

Ugh, I'm in so much pain right now! I must be out of shape or something... My feet KILL and my legs hurt so badly. Maybe I pulled something? :S I just blame it on all the walking around we do everyday, haha. But then how do the kids survive it? :/ Strange. SFU Volunteering is exciting, but I kinda miss last year's crew (well... maybe). It's still pretty fun though, despite the pain and the yelling at bad kids. Some people just don't know how to keep up properly in line! x_x I hope I'm doing a good job as a volunteer so I don't get a totally fail eval like my first one with music camp HAHA. I semi-doubt it given something I might've heard today, but who knows. =

On the other hand, I've barely touched my IB stuff except for the English books. Gonna finish up Dante tonight and start on Milton tomorrow.. woohoo. T_T I don't even want to start History, looking at it makes me tired.

Weird stuff happening tomorrow, I hope it goes well, doesn't fail and doesn't end up having bad stuff, haha.

What happened today

Child: What do we draw on this folder?
Me: A picture of your favourite volunteer *points to self*
Child: Andy!!
Other Child: Andy!!
Me: Do you have a favourite band or artist?
Child: Yeah, Andy!
Other Child: Andy!!!
Me: Well, I am in a part of a duo with my friend called ANDORIA...
Another Child: Oh really? What do you do?
Me: I sing, dance, piano, and my friend plays drums and guitar and bass and stuff.
Half of the children: DANCEEE FOR US!!
Me: No no you guys must behave first. :)

Later...

Child: Do you have a favourite singer?
Me: Yeah, my favourite singer is Mariah Carey!
People in vicinity, campers and volunteers alike: EWWW!
Me: Whaaaat -
*cell-phone starts ringing; Obsessed ringtone plays*
Other volunteer: DUDE WHY DIDN'T YOU TURN YOUR PHONE ON SILENT!
Me: I FORGOT!!! OHCRAPOHCRAPOHCRAPY
Other volunteer: WELL TURN IT OFF QUICKLY!!
Me: *frantically manages to make the ringtone stop*
Me: Um.. I'm gonna go to the bathroom now... :)

SCAMPS '09, GT'S :)
(general population: wtf is scamps?)

1:24am

It's been fun, but it's time to devote my time to something a little more worthwhile.

On the other hand, I just can't let you go. It's like an iron-clad grip enclosed within my mind. My thoughts will drift towards you until my being succumbs, and I just have to go to you.

Yet I can't.

Lovely.

The Big Beeg

Hello world,

I just wanted everybody to know that Gloria is the biggest beeg on the face of this earth, which is already covered in beeges. She is so beeg-like that when she stepped out of her house, she was beeg-slapped by ten non-beeges. She sucks so much that I personally think we should make a vacuum cleaner out of her, even though she causes more hot messes than she could ever possibly clean.

That is all.

Photograph of a beeg

Summer To-Do List

Maybe I should actually blog one day.

• Atwood poems
• Blake poems
  
• Holy Sonnets
• Dante
• Milton
• Dubliners
• History IA
• EE - Research, start draft
• Study math
• Edit TOK essay
• Write beginning parts of bio lab
  
• Think about TOK oral

Hard to do when you're addicted!

Sadness

This is sad, but I can't figure out how to delete blog posts, so I guess this random thing is here to stay. Who wants to see a picture of me?

Ya, u lyk dis

What a fail.

Sigh.

andy gaozi says:
okay so basically i'm enrolled in real anddd online school now for the same course
andy gaozi says:
today i went to school and it was super lame
andy gaozi says:
and then my friends from north said the teacher was kinda bad
andy gaozi says:
and then i was like well i guess i'll ahve to teach myself everything
andy gaozi says:
then i was like well if i just have to teach myeslf everything like chem/bio/music history/etc then i might as well just do it online
andy gaozi says:
so i asked matt kuo for the sit ehe did it on and then i went there and did the registration
andy gaozi says:
then at the end it was like call us but i didn't because i was unsure
andy gaozi says:
so i was like wahtever
andy gaozi says:
and then they called me LOL
andy gaozi says:
and if i was like "oh no i'm not sure"
andy gaozi says:
or "oh i don't wanna do it
andy gaozi says:
yeah but if i said that after doing the registration they would've thought i was like retarded
andy gaozi says:
so then i'm just like agreeing to it
andy gaozi says:
so now i'm in real and online school

So what am I gonna do now? Happy birthday to me.

Memories

I cannot say I'm pleased that this is basically my last day of freedom until school starts again. =P But since my internet is still being VERY UNKIND TO ME and not loading Desperate Housewives season 3 properly (but it's SO DELICIOUS I just wanna eat it up!), I guess I will blog… my favourite memories from Grade 11/IB Year 1/2008-2009! Okay, here I go, in no particular order:

1. IB Camping Trip – At first, I thought this would be pretty lame because I hate camping (no washrooms? Ick!) and there were only about six Grade 11s going. Nevertheless, I guess it was kind of fun to bond with other IB students over the campfire, and living in the "wild" for a day, even though we could literally see PA from where we were camping. =P
   
2. Late night stressing – Even though I think I was pretty much dying from these experiences, I think the extent to which "suffering together brings you closer together" is true really shined through all the late-night periods of stress, studying and/or finishing up some piece of homework or IA. I think I'd still prefer sleeping at 10pm instead of 2am every night for a week, but I think that these experiences have truly made me realize that I am much more of an evening/night person than a morning/afternoon one. Sure, I love waking up to a summer morning (gotta do that for the next few weeks… x_X), but there's something about the night… It's like you kind of have a bit of freedom that you get from the darkness to secretly break free of your confines and just do whatever. Although personally my "whatever" was stressing about something, IB has nevertheless shown me that nighttimes are always much more fun.
   
3. French Congo animal thing – Maybe the only fun that you could ever have from an IB class. =P That French Congo animal skit was hilarious because of how random it was, and how it didn't really count for anything. XP
   
4. Biology photosynthesis lab – Can you say epic failure? Pretty sure this lab killed my "Manipulative skills" criteria for Biology Internal Assessment. =P Still gotta say though, I probably lost around 5lbs from literally laughing my arse off over how epic fail it was. Seriously, why do these things always happen to me? First, my lamps get turned off because the IB12s in the other class were watching a movie. Then, I put a test tube rack on the hotplate, and it MELTED, so I had to get a cake pan from the home ec room, fill it with water, and put the rack in THERE. Finally, once they had been heated enough, as I was moving the plants from the hotplate area to another counter, the TEST TUBE RACK BROKE, and sure enough, the uncovered test tubes (well, you can't block a photosynthesizing plant's oxygen supply!) COMPLETELY spilled everywhere. I probably killed a forest through cleaning that mess up. =P Sigh.
   
5. Dress designs – In history, chemistry and English, how could I have ever gotten by without my dress designs? Sure, they may not have been the best, but each one killed anywhere from 10-30 minutes. =P Admit it Gloria, I so got better at it near the end of the year! xP Too bad I didn't really pay attention to the class… but that's okay, I guess I got by well enough. =)
   
6. Whistler music trip – Fun fun fun, hanging out with friends, going out all the time, just relaxing and knowing that I didn't really have that much to do (aside from biology and FRENCH, which I brought along, of course). Too bad I was in a room with strangers that left me alone in my room for about 6 hours to huddle into one queen bed and gossip about their intergroup problems. Ah well, at least I got some quality studying done. =P Plus I didn't lose my tenor sax this year – awesome! The jazz band performance was amazing too – almost makes me wish I hadn't quit. xP But then again, I'll be happy that I won't have to get up at 6am anymore. Yay me.
   
7. Cuba - Who said this list had to be all about IB? Going to Cuba was AMAZING. I'm sure I'll blog about it one day… xP
   

And those are, in short, my seven favourite memories from this year. I'm sure I have more somewhere in my cerebrum, but you know, short term memory loss… =P Now, to continue having seizures from my internet. I HATE IT SO MUCH, ARGH. T_T

See right through you like you're bathing in Windex

Jolie sticker-pics - must live at that machine!

The new MC track is off the hook y'all. I'm playing it with my window wide open, and my neighbour's kids are outside. I wonder if they're thinking "Why is he so obsessed with that song?" Haha.

So summer's been alright up to now, I suppose. Some going out, some staying in. The going out's usually fine, but the interesting thing is that I seem to have developed a dual desire. Some days, I wake up just wanting to stay in and play piano, do exercises or play Sims or something, but when I'm actually just lazing around the house doing nothing all day (aka playing Sims nonstop from noon till midnight), I think a part of me just feels like the day's been wasted. Maybe it's a result of being in IB: personally, for me, it's hard to transition from incessantly working and always having the need to do something to just suddenly having barely anything to do. Of course, I still do have some stuff to do over the summer (major sigh), but at least that it'll keep me from becoming academically retarded when September rolls around, where it really counts in terms of predicted grades in October and November. Hm, I think I'm super sad for saying that. =P Oh well, it's a blog! I'm just broadcasting my feelings and emotions at the time being. =)

Ayah, I can't believe summer school starts in 2 days! I've spent the last 2 weeks not doing much and enjoying not having to go to school, but mamma mia, here I go again. =P My only consolation is that I'm thinking it must be easy (or easier, at least), and since it'sat Burnaby North, maybe I'll meet some super Asian mando honger friends (hey, they exist in rare quantities... you never know!). At least I won't be stuck inside playing Sims for 12 hours each day. I think I can seriously feel my cerebrum slowly turning into mush after that happens.

Argh, and I still can't believe my driving teacher pushed my N test back by... an indefinite amount of time. "Sometime in July" is not going to cut it - that means that the probability of actually booking a time seems to be rather slim at the moment. I booked that time in June in April. I'm just hoping that perhaps I can use this extra time to practice and actually get my N on the first try or something - I better, at least!

Ew, I can't believe my face was actually burnt from tennis today. =( Should've worn sunscreen... sigh. Blah, I'm bored now; my internet's beeing a cracked-up beeg as usual, and Desperate Housewives isn't loading nicely. >=( Sigh.

Finally!

Summer is finally officially here. =) Well, almost. Still have World Lit 1 to do... which I'm sure I'll get to *eventually* during the next couple of weeks... haha.

Yesterday was pretty fun. Reminded me that I need somewhat of social life at some point, eh? =P I guess it's kind of an awkward feeling, really, trying to find the balance between "work and play." Apparently, all work and no play makes people more boring, but for me, I just become more unable to do common everyday things, like walk in straight lines or eat hot pot (sigh).

I really need to make a plan of what I'm doing this summer, but I'm too lazy. Physics 11 summer school at Burnaby North (exciting...), piano, History 5 for piano, History IA, and, of course, my EE. I'm beginning to wonder if doing music for my EE was actually a good idea, but most of the teachers for History and English were already taken by the time I wanted to give up on biology, so fortune did not smile upon me at that time, mhm. At least music is at least somewhat "cooler" I suppose.

Amazingly enough, I don't really have much to do today (WL LOL) and I'm actually really bored. Maybe, somewhere deep inside, I liked the pain, as crazy as that sounds. I guess this supports my theory that I'm addicted to school stuff, like, scientifically addicted "4real4real." If it's true, then yes, my life is officially done. =P Haha.

So I probably should go pursue other things with purpose, such as piano practicing (argh, missed 3 days of practice and totally going to be pwned again on Saturday) and exercising. New running shoes - FINALLY, after basically the entire year of wanting them. xP

Recent discovery

Well, how sad. Now, even Facebook, the site I go on to procrastinate and waste time, seems to know that I basically have no life now. =P The sadness, the sadness.

I'd blog more, but I'm tired after writing a history essay and bio final today. Ow... T_T One day, children.

Only 3 more days of school (2.5 technically?), 1 more test (orgo chem!) and then school's out. I wonder if I could get World Lit done early, so I can enjoy those next two weeks before summer school... Yeah, as if. =P Haha.

Oh dear.

Wow, these next two weeks before school's over are brutal. I just have to tell myself that all I have to do is just survive... Sigh.

Of course, my staple to-do lists have to reign once again. Here it goes again; in order of priority, as of now:

Math
Type I Portfolio - due Monday!

History
DISC Assignment - due Tuesday
Study Guide 12 Review Questions Quiz - Wednesday
Paper 3: Origins of WW2 - Thursday

Biology
Final #1 - Tuesday
Final #2 - Thursday
Final #3 (written) - Thursday, or maybe next Tuesday
Homeostasis Lab - June 16

Chemistry
Organic Chem Unit Test - June 15th

English
World Lit 1 - due June 19th

Other
Decide EE topic - before school's over
SFU Interview - Monday night
Band Concert - Tuesday night
SFU Training - night of Monday, June 15th
SFU Orientation - June 25th
N test - June 26th

*plays I Will Survive in the background while attempting to stay awake*

I'll just look towards my rewards... Sims 3... possibly my N... and SUMMER!

Then again, there's always my summer to-do list:

-History IA
-Music EE
-English readings

And then:
-History 5
-Piano
-SFU
-Physics 11 Summer School
-possibly SATs

Ironically, it's somehow so much shorter. =/ Strange, strange, strange.

Weekend To-Do List

YES, so glad French is done. :) Now, back to the normal rigors of IB. Sigh.

As usual, I must make some kind of a to-do list:

• Saturday: piano, EXERCISE, do CAS forms, plan bio lab, plan EE, study math, study bio, [maybe] look at English quotes
• Sunday: driving, metro/DT library/Phosphy [might not happen anymore! T_T], study math/bio

Sigh. At least there's only 3 weeks left until SUMMER. :D

Post-Trip Lethargy

Ahh, the feeling of post-trip lethargy... It's a sort of laziness and melancholy mixed in with each other. Basically, what happens is I come home from a trip and feel kinda sad yet somewhat tired, and although I have stuff to do, I don't feel like doing it. How bad it is depends on how good the trip was. If it was crappy like Idaho, I'll love being home. On the other hand, if it was awesome like Whistler just was or Cuba, then I'll be pretty sad to be home. Home may be where the heart is, but it's also where all my work is.

I guess Whistler was a much better trip this time around, even though the rooming arrangements were kinda... sad. Luckily, since I have my new work-like-a-dork attitude, when they all ignored me in one room, I was able to pull out biology or French and do it. Yes, it does sound sad, but it is true. Once, they had a deep guy conversation in one bed for about 4 hours, and I did a paper 1, an AP French essay, and read some French mags. Because I'm cool like that.

Today at school, I passed by a sign that had a countdown until the 31 Hour Famine.

That's the day right after our French exam.

11 days. 1.5 weeks.

FML

World of IA

So after my French exam, I basically have a stack of IAs to finish before the summer. I guess it's out of the frying pan, into the fire, eh? At least I won't have to constantly worry about French... Haha. I need to keep track of what's happening, so:

• Biology Homeostasis Lab: "Homeostatic mechanisms greater in males or females?" Due 2nd week of June (shall we say... the 12th is my ideal due date?) Can't forget the biology final either - SIGH.
  
• History IA: To what extent was the Cuban Revolution supported by ordinary Cubans? (due September now - but maybe I'll try to finish by the END of the school year). Plus a History paper 3 essay in a couple of weeks..
  
• English World Lit 1: economy and value in "Metamorphosis" and "Ivan." Due sometime during the beginning of exam week... gotta get a head start on this!
  
• TOK Essay: #1; edit, revise, hand in!
  
• Math Portfolio Type 1: Get it tomorrow, due on the 8th. Eek!
  
• EE: Pick topic in MUSIC - get at least the research outline and topic thing done before school ends.
  
• CAS : Get Outreach/C-Club forms done - Yay, I got something done y'all!
  

Fun, fun, fun!

Now we all know what two letters "Fun" begin with...

And what I wanna do...

And what I wanna do
Is ride shotgun next to you
With the top down like we used to
Hit the block proud in the SUV
But we both know our bond is breaking
Can we learn from our mistakes
I can't last one moment alone

For whatever reason, I want summer to just be here. Driving around in the summer sunset near the beach or something? Awesome. Those are the summer nights with minimal cares and no homework, doing whatever and staying up till whenever.

If I actually manage to get my N at the end of June, I so want to reduce my home-time to a bare minimum. Well, yeah, I have to do piano, piano history, and physics, but that takes up about half my day (depending on when I get up, of course).

Now, that other half... the opportunities are endless. Can't wait.

Too Cute!

So I somehow ended up on Neopets, reliving my childhood.. Ahem...
Omg, they're all like... actually too cute. LOL

LOL fashion tranny reject much:

Which one? Sigh.

Modern Furniture Gonanza

So, instead of doing TOK, biology, French, history, etc. etc., I went online and looked at MODERN FURNITURE. =D

If I ever move into this apartment on Robson/Homer that my parents bought, I'm so putting all this stuff in:

I've always wanted some couches like that!

Love the TV, and the little square couches!


Seriously, like, the coolest bed on the face of the earth...


Imagine lounging around outside in that chair...

Alas, the drooling must end for now, for my homework load *cough* calls.

2:13am

2:13am blogging. Good times. So, what's on my mind right now that leads me to come to my blog?

Looking at some friends photos and such, I'm wondering why I can't have a normal high school experience like them. Not-so-crazy workload, parties, going out for dinners, wild nights... Not that I'm particularly into all of that, but a little excitement in my life wouldn't be too horrible now, would it?

That kind of life will always be impossible to me, though. At least while I'm in IB. I just simply don't have the time to do all of that stuff (unless I suddenly wanted to start completely epic failing). It's times like these where I could have my N, because it would mean freedom. I could do what I wanted, almost-whenever I wanted, but, most importantly, wherever I wanted. No longer would I have to recoil from events because of

On the other hand, I won't be able to do much with my N because of the workload that IB gives me. So, what does this mean? I can't wait to graduate even more. I think the desire for the end of my high school experience always comes during this last stretch of the year, between spring break and the end of the school year. I remember feeling this way last year, especially after the first Phosphy meet.

I'm surprised at how quickly time goes by; there's less than 6 weeks until my French exam - eep!

I just... wish that time would move a little more quickly. I know that a lot of people seem to have the most depressing grad year because they'll soon be leaving high school and not seeing their friends everyday. Me? Who knows. Maybe I'll feel that way, maybe not, but whatever happens, I suppose I must learn to accept it when it comes.

Easter

So that's basically what I'll be doing all Easter weekend. Let's see, shall we?

I must:

• Math portfolio on log laws
• Plan my TOK essay, and then actually write it
• Learn this next Bio unit
• Fill out CAS forms
  
• Study French
• Plan my EE research topic and outline

I have:

• Friday: piano festival at night, do MATH PORTFOLIO
  
• Saturday: Team Cuba hangout from mid-afternoon on
• Sunday: Metrotown, afternoon
• Monday: TOK ESSAY DAY

All the other stuff, I'll have to cram in there somewhere... It kinda sucks when your homework is more of an ongoing thing...

You stilled my heart, and you take my breath away.

This week has been pretty hectic! If somebody had told me that I was going to have great sufferings during my first week back in Cuba, I probably would've spent one of the beach days in tears. :P Whatever, at least it's over! It's weird; I haven't been this happy to just survive a week for quite a while.

So, what's happened this week? History IA, biology quiz/test (103% - what a relief =P), math quizzes (haha epic fail on Friday), chem quizzes (wow, that one question...), and French papers. Ugh, I totally failed that paper 2 on Friday... It was about how I disapprove of a movie, and I wrote something soo crappy...

I don't know why, but I've also been SUPER tired lately. I'm not even jetlagged, like Tanzania or something... Cuba's only 3 hours away. =/ On Friday, I definitely felt like I was on the verge of dying when I got home.

So, what have I been thinking about lately? It's spiritual, actually. After coming back from Outreach and hearing about everybody else's stories about their experiences in other countries and their lessons from God, I wonder if we can really maintain our fire and passion for Him, even as the weeks go on and our to-do lists grow even more and more. Spending 2 weeks in Cuba, away from piano, away from tests, away from internal assessments, isolating myself from the world... Could I truly label it as blissful ignorance? I suppose that definitely brought me closer to Him. I was able to focus on God so much more, because I was unblinded by millions of other factors.

I just really hope that we can truly be on fire for God at all times, and especially during our times of need and/or joy. I remember one of the things I wanted to accomplish this year was to remember to look to God at all times, even when I'm happy and especially when I feel like I"m completely lost and there's nobody to turn to. I just hope I can remember that in the months to come.

What's weird is that "Everything" is still at the top of my music playlist. You'd think I'd get sick of listening to it over and over while watching the skit in Cuba, but I swear that experience just made me appreciate the song even more, especially the line from the title *points* and the chorus:

"And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?"

Really, how can we just stand there, in His creation, and not appreciate everything that He's done for us? Instead, we drift away from Him and involve ourselves with sin, and we become blinded from Him and ignore Him. And yet, he's always there, however subtle, wanting us to come back to Him and realize that we've got ourselves in a lot of trouble. By doing this, even if the things from our past are haunting us, He'll always have some way to step in and destroy those things, because He's just so much more powerful than they are.

It kinda makes me feel bad... but at the same time, it inspires me to just desire and seek God all the more. How awesome. =D

Anyways, last night, I finally finished my History IA. =D What a relief, it feels like a huuuuge weight has been lifted... Now, I just have piano and a bit of French to do today, and I'm scott-free! xP Maybe I'll blog some more... naaah. Haha.

Everything

Find me here
Speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Back from Cuba, and will blog soon...

Nous devons y aller

We must go,
Live to feed the hungry,
Stand beside the broken,
We must go

Stepping forward,
Keep us from just singing,
Move us into action,
We must go~

10.5 hours =)

Hola, Cuba

The picture to the left is where I'm going to be going to in a mere... 30 hours. I can hardly believe it! I swear I've been waiting to go on an Outreach trip since Grade 7, when I'd get kicked out of class super early every Monday afternoon because of some Outreach meeting. Now, I'm the one kicking the little kids out! I swear I've been so busy and preoccupied with school and IB stuff that I've barely been pumped up about this after the Outreach trip. At the beginning of the year, when I found out that I was going to be going to Cuba, I thought the wait would be forever... I just find it super hard to believe that I'm actually going at 11:59 PM tomorrow! It's such a strange feeling. =S And yet, I've barely packed... HAHA. I'll have to use my major cramming skills; I don't wanna bring a huge suitcase to Cuba (the one I brought to Idaho was the biggest. So sad!).

So, I haven't blogged for a while. What's been happening in my life? Lots of stuff, I suppose. Then again, "lots of stuff" for me isn't much. A couple of weeks ago, I had my IB French oral, and I'm so relieved to be done. I swear I had some kind of word vomit during my oral though; I didn't know if I was conjugating everything correctly, but I just hope that I did well enough as to not drag down my interactive oral mark significantly. =D I think that's one of the things I've been anticipating with nothing less than dread ever since I was kicked out of the grade 9 hallway in grade 9 as a result of those orals. Just watching the IB students at the time staring at these papers and talking to themselves... it's nervewracking, it really is! I'm just glad it's done. =)

Right after that, I left for Idaho. Not much to say about that... was it good? In some respects, yes. In most respects, not really. The worst part was coming home to find that I had tons of mysterious homework that confused my excrutiatingly-tired mind at the time. I'm just glad that time's over; it was pretty hectic. =/

At the moment, I'm just pretty darn excited for Cuba. I think it's amazing how our team was able to bond so well when only a short 2 months ago we were all kind of like "huh" to each other. So we're not total "BFFs" yet, but I'm sure that as we'll connect even more as we work together down there. I think the leader-change thing was pretty crazy too. All in all, everything just seemed to turn out for the better these last 3 weeks, and I must say that I'm finally beginning to feel these traces of excitement from somewhere deep inside of me. =D

Now, I must finish French, practice piano, PACK, and do history. Ugh, when I come back it will be history-biology craziness, to be replaced by French. Ugh. Oh well. I think it's time for a break.. right? My team members have personally told me that if I bring anything IB, I will get beat up. Haha... Back on Saturday,March 28th, with a story to tell.