Sleepless, the sequel

Wow, I can't believe it's March already. I guess what they say is true: time flies when you're having fun... haha. The beginning of March also means that only a little over 2 months remains before my first IB exam - oh snap! I'm going to make a Hermione-style colour-coded study schedule later; it probably won't work, but I can at least try, right?

I got my UBC acceptance letter today. Even though I had already found out that I was accepted through the site, seeing it in letter-form seemed to finalize the deal. Now, I just have to decide on where I want to go...

Last night was another sleepless one, similar to my post-Christmas Break sleeping epic fail. I attempted to go to bed at around 2am, but I somehow felt wide awake. At 4:30am, I decided to check Facebook and began to get sleepy at around 5:30, but I decided that it'd be better if I were to get no sleep at all than getting a couple hours and waking up feeling super groggy and crappy. I don't know what's wrong with  me; maybe it's the break and the outrageous sleeping times messing with me as per usual, or perhaps it's one of the explanations that I thought up for my winter break sleeping fail... Hm. Something to ponder, especially since I don't really have much to do tonight in terms of work.

I have a date with the ICBC claims office in about an hour, woohoo. I hope they don't interrogate me, especially since I've gotten no sleep for the past 25 hours. T_T

Everything fades to black

Last night, I failed at sleeping again. Earlier that evening, I had already learned to accept the inevitable in that I probably wasn't going to be able to sleep for quite some time, especially given that I had slept at 4am the night before. With this in mind, I attempted to get some quotes from Dante for my World Lit essay, but I ended up spending hours on Facebook and YouTube instead. I have no idea what's wrong with my motivation. Usually, the guilt from not doing work and wasting time always got to me, and I was always able to make myself accomplish things with that in mind. However, the guilt seems to be have been displaced by the sheer width of all the things that I have to do in the next little while, particularly all the scholarship applications. Sigh. With the great expectations that come with exceptional blessings, the pressure is accentuated to an unimaginable extent. I honestly don't feel as if I could live up to the "role" that seems to have been bestowed up on me. Sigh, again.

Back to my sleeping issues: I attempted to call it a night at around 2:45am, but I didn't actually end up falling asleep until 5:30am. Needless to say my hours of slumber were extremely fleeting, and it felt like I had just managed to fall asleep when I was promptly awoken about an hour and a half later. Joy. I attempted to caffeinate myself, and although I no longer felt tired, I didn't exactly feel that great either. Physical health issues aside, I can't help but turn to the spiritual aspects of my insomnia. The last time I had such an epic failure in slumber, I could feel that God was trying to tell me to do something that was vital to my relationship with Him; something that I had lived with for years, but never managed to shake off. Although I may have succeeded in climbing out of that pit for a short while, I fell again, only to land at an even deeper depth than what I was at before. I can only wonder what God's trying to tell me this time; a similar message, I'm sure, but who knows. 

Rebound

Sigh; resolution 3 was such a fail, but I think I saw that one coming back to haunt me anyways. Come to think of it, all my resolutions were major fails: I'm definitely not sleeping or exercising more at all. In fact, apart from the brief sprinting-jog I had today (it was cold and getting dark; jogging in the dark is scary because cars might hit me) and the 9 hours I got last night, the exact opposites of those two things are happening.

And I did so well for the first week, too... Oh well. Maybe I should think, "reminder to self: pray."

1 week, 2 days.

Chomp chomp

It's funny how when we reach into the cookie jar just to grab one cookie, we can't stop eating them, even if we till ourselves "just one." We continually consume until we feel terrible afterwards from all the sugar, even if the process of eating itself makes us happy. On the other hand, if we were to resist altogether and never grab that first cookie, then we'd never have that problem, and our craving would eventually go away. That first cookie just always has to be the deadliest.

It's too bad my cookie jar is bottomless.

Anti-Reconciliation

And there I go again. 

Nevertheless, it made me come to terms with my disdain for people who lay all the blame for their sins on Satan and constantly saying how he's always just "waiting at every corner for an opportunity to waylay us." Okay, so he's obviously going to have to get some of the blame for tempting us and trying to draw us away from God. However, the point remains that we're the ones putting ourselves through that sinful action in the first place. Instead of simply blaming Satan and shifting the guilt away in thinking that, "Oh, it's Satan's fault, not mine: I'm innocent," perhaps we should seek to reap what we sow and admit that we've willingly sinned.

On the other hand, it's hard to overcome that most of the time. 

Sleepless

I had a very interesting day today. After staying up till 5am every night, I tried to sleep at 2am last night after studying a bit of math, but trying to sleep was futile. I lay there for 4 hours, tossing and turning, reading the Bible, praying, listening to music, yoga, meditating (on God), watching TV, drinking water - you name the technique, it didn't work for me. So, by 6am, I cracked open my laptop and went on Facebook for an hour before "waking up." I spent the entire day halfway between collapsing and hysterics: everything seemed really funny during one moment, but the next, my eyelids would be drooping and my head would be balanced on my hand. Yes, today was not a fun day.

But there was something... interesting. I confined. It was awkward, and I was half hysterical. And now I'm not sure what to make of it. I could feel that God had wanted me to tell for quite some time, but why exactly? Maybe it made me realize this: while I've been praying for God's strength to overcome this, I need more than just His strength: I need Him in my life, in my mind, in my body, in my soul. After all, the strength of the Lord isn't a rental car I can take for a spin and return later when I don't need it. It's a really, really nice car that I want to fully buy all the rights to and not even pay lease, because that's how cool it is. I suppose praying for God's strength for assistance isn't necessarily wrong, but when it's just for assistance: perhaps that's the real issue there.

But who knows. I should sleep soon, but I hope I'm not kept awake by the guilt, shame and self-disgust that have plagued my nights for the past couple of weeks. Now that'd be a shame.

1 Corinthians 10:13

"No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it." 

The "Naughty Noughties" are no more

2009... Wow, what a year. Lots of new experiences and good memories, lots of people dying, lots of new people in my life, and a good number of not-so-good times. But would I say it was an awesome, life-changing year? In some ways, yes; but the slightly scary thing is that 2010 will be even more of a revolutionary year. And, good riddance, I'm ready to embrace it with open arms.

My New Years Resolutions? I say they're pretty important, especially since it's a whole new decade and everything. Here it goes:

1. Exercise more - do I want to be a skinny-armed, fat-bodied Asian boy forever?
2. Finish my EE - that shiz just has to get off of my plate and out of my mind!
3. Stop committing that one sin - it's funny how I've tried to shake it off for so long, and yet I've never succeeded. It's popped up on so many "resolution" lists that it's practically become recurring. Why do all the worst things in life just feel so good. On the other hand, what kind of temptation can stand in the face of the Lord, anyways? Mmhmm; black sin, you're going down this year, this decade, this life.

And there we go, nice and simple. Can't be that hard, eh?

Romans 6:1-2

¹What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? ²By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?

Romans 7:14-25

¹⁴We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. ¹⁵I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. ¹⁶And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. ¹⁸I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. ¹⁹For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. ²⁰Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.


 ²¹So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. ²²For in my inner being I delight in God's law; ²³but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. ²⁴What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? ²⁵Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!
      So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

I don't know.

I just don't.

I wish I did.

I wish you knew.

It seems like life is a culmination of various different paths in the forest. They may all lead out of it, but the experience you get from doing so will inevitably vary depending on the decided pathway you choose.

Some are undoubtedly going to be more overbearing, dangerous and treacherous than others.

However, the important thing to remember is that no matter which road we take, we will always eventually end up at the end.

It's times like these when I have to remember to disregard fate and hold tighter to faith to guide me through this "forest" of my life. Whichever path I take is in His ultimate plan, and I just have to trust Him to guide me through safely.

What are my shadows? Indecision. Insecurity. Failure. Rejection. Isolation.

Yet they're all there, overshadowing the light. And it's times like these when I just have to wonder: "why."

Is it just a modernist reaction?

I'm writing this on the grounds that nobody else will read it.

I believe that blogs are a satellite for your mind. At 1:33am, when I look at my MSN list and see only 21 people online, I believe that only a very few stations are interpreting my frequencies. Sometimes, it's kind of soothing to have that feeling of being alone, where you're (supposedly) the most honest with yourself. Wow, I went on a tangent, didn't I? Hm.

The expressionist movement in art. Blurred images. The blending of contrasting ideas. Turmoil, chaos. An inability to see what is being shown.

Sometimes, I don't understand things that go on in my life. The possibilities of this or that proceeding unbeknown to me are the things that scare me. These are the types of factors that ruined my grade 10 year. I never knew. I guessed, but I never found out. I asked, but the answers were vague. In my life, I've come to realize that I can't simply accept vagueness. Everything has to have a reasoning, as according to God's plan. I know that He has my best interests in heart, but I never know where they'll take me. I usually prefer the solidity of reassurances.

Actions have consequences; some are negative. These are the ones we don't think of beforehand, because we're foolish that way. When you're feeling a certain way, you disregard the results of your actions, because you're driven by that feeling of natural human instinct that one shares closely with that of the animals. Now that you've done this action and reaped the consequences, the only thing you can feel is regret and confusion.

Five minutes after, you probably told all your friends and remarked about what a bad, annoying person I am. Then again, perhaps I am. And then we talked. Yet to me, something seemed different. Maybe it's just the subject matter. Maybe it's just the way it was said. Maybe I just didn't understand it. But I'm sure it was different.

I just don't understand you sometimes. The song Hot n' Cold really comes into play here. There are times when we laugh, we joke, we talk amiably, and, dare I say, it's "hot". Then there are those times where I'm horrible, or you're cold. And those are the times where I really have to put everything into question.

I've always said that if I could have any superpower, it'd be mind-reading. No, it's not just because I want to baat. I just want the answer. Once again, I hold proper answers and solutions rather firmly. No more of this modality. No more of being indefinite. I'm tired of being unsure. I don't like living like this, as if I'm walking on a narrow cliff where one misstep results in imminent failure.

Maybe one day I'll find the answer, or maybe this is just all in my head (which it probably is). But somehow, it's going to have to stay that way. And I'm going to have to accept that for what it is.

I only want to know.

Me.

You stilled my heart, and you take my breath away.

This week has been pretty hectic! If somebody had told me that I was going to have great sufferings during my first week back in Cuba, I probably would've spent one of the beach days in tears. :P Whatever, at least it's over! It's weird; I haven't been this happy to just survive a week for quite a while.

So, what's happened this week? History IA, biology quiz/test (103% - what a relief =P), math quizzes (haha epic fail on Friday), chem quizzes (wow, that one question...), and French papers. Ugh, I totally failed that paper 2 on Friday... It was about how I disapprove of a movie, and I wrote something soo crappy...

I don't know why, but I've also been SUPER tired lately. I'm not even jetlagged, like Tanzania or something... Cuba's only 3 hours away. =/ On Friday, I definitely felt like I was on the verge of dying when I got home.

So, what have I been thinking about lately? It's spiritual, actually. After coming back from Outreach and hearing about everybody else's stories about their experiences in other countries and their lessons from God, I wonder if we can really maintain our fire and passion for Him, even as the weeks go on and our to-do lists grow even more and more. Spending 2 weeks in Cuba, away from piano, away from tests, away from internal assessments, isolating myself from the world... Could I truly label it as blissful ignorance? I suppose that definitely brought me closer to Him. I was able to focus on God so much more, because I was unblinded by millions of other factors.

I just really hope that we can truly be on fire for God at all times, and especially during our times of need and/or joy. I remember one of the things I wanted to accomplish this year was to remember to look to God at all times, even when I'm happy and especially when I feel like I"m completely lost and there's nobody to turn to. I just hope I can remember that in the months to come.

What's weird is that "Everything" is still at the top of my music playlist. You'd think I'd get sick of listening to it over and over while watching the skit in Cuba, but I swear that experience just made me appreciate the song even more, especially the line from the title *points* and the chorus:

"And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?"

Really, how can we just stand there, in His creation, and not appreciate everything that He's done for us? Instead, we drift away from Him and involve ourselves with sin, and we become blinded from Him and ignore Him. And yet, he's always there, however subtle, wanting us to come back to Him and realize that we've got ourselves in a lot of trouble. By doing this, even if the things from our past are haunting us, He'll always have some way to step in and destroy those things, because He's just so much more powerful than they are.

It kinda makes me feel bad... but at the same time, it inspires me to just desire and seek God all the more. How awesome. =D

Anyways, last night, I finally finished my History IA. =D What a relief, it feels like a huuuuge weight has been lifted... Now, I just have piano and a bit of French to do today, and I'm scott-free! xP Maybe I'll blog some more... naaah. Haha.

Everything

Find me here
Speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Back from Cuba, and will blog soon...

Nous devons y aller

We must go,
Live to feed the hungry,
Stand beside the broken,
We must go

Stepping forward,
Keep us from just singing,
Move us into action,
We must go~

10.5 hours =)