Angels Cry

Lightning don't strike the same place twice,
When you and I said goodbye, I felt the angels cry
True love's a gift, but we let it drift
In the storm, every night, I feel the angels cry

Limitless, omnipresent kind of love:
Couldn't've guessed it would just stop and disappear in a world when
Here I am, walking on this narrow road;
Wobbling but won't let go,
Waiting for a glimpse of the sun's slow rise

The wave: it will go up, only to go down again. Will it arise again or will it just reach the shore?

Alone

Today, I woke up feeling strangely depressed. I didn't even have much to do today, in terms of homework. I guess the stress was finally replaced by "true emotion," as dramatic as that sounds.

After I wasted a couple of hours, I realized why I wasn't feeling as chipper as usual. I think it all has to do with how I'm completely alone in my own neighbourhood and my own city. I felt like an island, surrounded by sea with no neighbours in sight. And not even a touristy, lush, tropical island either; more like an ugly, bare rock outcropping that nobody goes to, like this:

Thinking back on it, I've never really had that much of a purpose for friends that live right next door. Who needs such people when I've got them in other areas? Of course, today I realized that these other cities are pretty far. I don't want to go all the way out to Vancouver or Surrey everytime I went to get bubble tea with somebody.

So, after 3 years of living here, I still haven't really made a good friend in my neighbourhood. Hm. I suppose I had a couple, but they were kind of lame in the end... But it's hard to meet people when I don't go to school in Burnaby. I can't exactly just wait around on my street and hope that somebody will come along with an opportunity to befriend them. When you're little, you obviously made friends by joining other kids in play. Big kids don't play on the streets like they used to anymore. Well, not in the same way at least.

I suppose I'll just have to live with being alone. It's funny how yesterday really made me realize all of this. I wish my friends lived within closer proximity to me. I wish I could have some that I could jog with, or go get bubble tea with, or just waste random time with. Wishes are only wishes though. On the other hand, if I had them, maybe then I'd have (slightly) more a life... Hm.

When it all comes down to it, I wish I had a car.

Is it just a modernist reaction?

I'm writing this on the grounds that nobody else will read it.

I believe that blogs are a satellite for your mind. At 1:33am, when I look at my MSN list and see only 21 people online, I believe that only a very few stations are interpreting my frequencies. Sometimes, it's kind of soothing to have that feeling of being alone, where you're (supposedly) the most honest with yourself. Wow, I went on a tangent, didn't I? Hm.

The expressionist movement in art. Blurred images. The blending of contrasting ideas. Turmoil, chaos. An inability to see what is being shown.

Sometimes, I don't understand things that go on in my life. The possibilities of this or that proceeding unbeknown to me are the things that scare me. These are the types of factors that ruined my grade 10 year. I never knew. I guessed, but I never found out. I asked, but the answers were vague. In my life, I've come to realize that I can't simply accept vagueness. Everything has to have a reasoning, as according to God's plan. I know that He has my best interests in heart, but I never know where they'll take me. I usually prefer the solidity of reassurances.

Actions have consequences; some are negative. These are the ones we don't think of beforehand, because we're foolish that way. When you're feeling a certain way, you disregard the results of your actions, because you're driven by that feeling of natural human instinct that one shares closely with that of the animals. Now that you've done this action and reaped the consequences, the only thing you can feel is regret and confusion.

Five minutes after, you probably told all your friends and remarked about what a bad, annoying person I am. Then again, perhaps I am. And then we talked. Yet to me, something seemed different. Maybe it's just the subject matter. Maybe it's just the way it was said. Maybe I just didn't understand it. But I'm sure it was different.

I just don't understand you sometimes. The song Hot n' Cold really comes into play here. There are times when we laugh, we joke, we talk amiably, and, dare I say, it's "hot". Then there are those times where I'm horrible, or you're cold. And those are the times where I really have to put everything into question.

I've always said that if I could have any superpower, it'd be mind-reading. No, it's not just because I want to baat. I just want the answer. Once again, I hold proper answers and solutions rather firmly. No more of this modality. No more of being indefinite. I'm tired of being unsure. I don't like living like this, as if I'm walking on a narrow cliff where one misstep results in imminent failure.

Maybe one day I'll find the answer, or maybe this is just all in my head (which it probably is). But somehow, it's going to have to stay that way. And I'm going to have to accept that for what it is.

I only want to know.

Me.

Today

Today, I realized three things:

1. I am constantly stressed by all the things that I either have to finish or study for - which I will always have until May, and probably even further along.

2. I am on edge when I am stressed.

3. When I am on edge, I am much more of a betch to people. Maybe I'm just not a naturally good person because of it? Haha.

And that is all.

Too hot to be allowed

And no, I'm not talking about me. ;) It's more like the weather... Hot weather = makes me sleepy = epic fail everything. Like the bio test today. :( I kind of had this theory that maybe I'd have some kind of sophomore slump this year. This idea of being a "strong horse" in Year 1 and a "weak donkey" in Year 2 has really made me super paranoid. It kind of sounds really silly, but I can totally see it start to happen. I bet it's even happening now. =/ I guess I'll just have to try and stick it out. It's probably all in my head anyway, since it practically always is. Who knows.

Um... If you can't tell, it's a horse that fell. Yeah. LOL

English essay tomorrow, chemistry test on Friday. Yippee, my favourite subject ever. *major roll eyes* This last weekend has made me pretty sad; I had to do my Type 2 Math Portfolio for basically every waking hour possible. :( It was not happy. At the same time, the portfolio creates another situation too: people looking for help.

Now I can't pretend like I know what I'm doing all the time, because I seriously don't. In fact, when I got it, I was lost for a longgg time until I finally had a faithful epiphany. Unfortunately, there are others that may not get everything... And that's where the conflict comes in. Do I be a nice person and help them out, or do I try to hide from them and not be a nice person? Well, if I were to help, that would mean freely giving away the work that I had slaved over for such a long time. Plus, we'd both end up having the same answer, and if it spread around even more, then that wouldn't look good at all. Then again, if I don't help, I will not be cast into a good light. Instead, people aren't going to be super happy with me...

Luckily for me, I don't think it applies to me that much - is anybody really angry that I specifically wasn't around that much on MSN last weekend? I actually really doubt it. This doesn't even matter anyway, but oh well. Time to try to continue surviving the heat (ha, a double meaning!) and edit my History IA, sick. x( Yup, pretty sure I'mma fail that one too.

Thought

Some people exude such a negative energy. A world of nice people and happy things would be exciting to live in.

What kind of energy do I exude? Is it negative for our society?

On a side note, certain people cough who incessantly talk to me about school are very.. agacantes. It's not that I don't like being helpful - it's more like I'm not your little homework slave. Don't just assume I'm going to "help" you so willingly.

Whyyawannabringmedown

Sometimes, I don't understand why you're so pissy and on-edge.

I try to talk to you, but the answers are curt and exasperating. You can't maintain a conversation when everything ends with a period.

Is it a phase?

Am I doing something wrong?

Am I being mean?

Is it really just day 28?

Or did you just forget to pack some of these?

Life-time supply of these for your next birthday?

In Laymen's terms, all I can say is: "whyyawannabringmedown?" (yes, it's a song).

Flashback

I am rather jealous of Team Cuba this year. The whole renewed "Outreach hype" really brought me back to this time last year, when I was completely ecstatic about going to such a cool, exotic-sounding place. Never had I imagined that the experience would be so eye-opening, so life-changing, so thought-provoking for me. I could I miss my team; it seems like we've all kind of split apart after our reunion in April. :/ A part of me wishes that I could go back there and see the stuck-in-the-19th-century architect, cram into our 1950s 9-person van and drive off somewhere to do ministries at a cell group. Living my life for the Lord on such a daily basis was much better than what I've got now.

But going back to the same place would be a little bit redundant, no? Even bordering on the line of mo lieu. Still, I somewhat wish I had been on Outreach this year. It even makes me want to consider a missions trip after I graduate... Now wouldn't that be cool?

PS: No, Cuba was not a total "vacation!"

Grad Picture Check-List

Grad-pictures are coming up! Here is my checklist:

1. Get my teeth whitened

2. Get a nice outfit

3. Lose about, say, 10lbs?

4. Make my hair nice

5. Find some good photo-taking companions :)

Yuck

I don't like how it's September already. =.= Time to enter the "inferno" again. I feel bad I haven't started on my EE, or studied for math, or do lots of the things I wanted to do at the beginning of the summer. Where did the time go?

I want a car. When I go out with friends, more and more of them getting their Ns, I don't want to be the one saying, "Alright guys, I'm going to the Skytrain" by myself. Loser much? Is there anything wrong with a nice A4?

Yum, unlike my life right now. Time to go back to history. FML.