It's going down like a denominator

I'm waiting for dinner before practicing piano, so I guess I'll blog. There is, once again, not much going on in my life, but since I have nothing better to do in 15 minutes, I'll write random, meaningless things here.

My EE is still non-existent at this moment. I was going to talk to him again, but he mysteriously vanished today. Instead, I had one of the worst band classes ever; the time went by very, very slowly. I tried to pass it by studying biology, but the weird thing about ecology is that it's easy to be under the illusion that you know it all. Deducing primary consumers from secondary isn't a hard process at all, and I was therefore aptly reminded of the reasons why I always study or do homework in band. At the same time, the magnitude of my regret for not dropping the course while I still could was definitely accentuated by today. I could've made my escape from something useless to something seemingly productive but likely to end up useless anyways (aka a study block), but nooo, I chose to be "cool" and continue suffering. Oh well.

Surprisingly, my math and biology test marks somehow ended up nicely. If it's one thing I hate, it's me blogging about marks; but once again, I don't really have much else to say. Those were definitely, um, "highlights" of my day I guess.

After dinner, I should practice piano, do TOK, and maybe do some EE books. My EE books went overdue... for like 5 days... and I have like, 20... FML. At least piano is "okay;" yesterday, I played after taking a three-day sick break, and somehow, the keys felt really crisp to me. Sometimes, when I'm stuck in the routine of having to play 1.5-2 hours every single day, I kind of lose that nice feeling the piano gives me. Although I can't do this all the time, letting my fingers rest for a while was definitely a good enough sacrifice.

Well, that blog was about nothing.

And it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong.

Wow, I just realized that I haven't blogged for a longgg time. Guess I haven't really had the chance to, nor an actually good reason for doing so. I'm sure I said this somewhere, but my life, although "stressful," isn't really super noteworthy. What's so exciting about hearing all the stuff that I have to do? That would make for a pretty lame blog.

Nevertheless, I'm still pretty stressed about my EE. I wanted to talk to him yesterday, but he was busy during TOK. I was supposed to go today at lunch, but I had a nervous breakdown because of math (which wasn't even that bad...) and then he was busy during E block. I then planned to visit him tomorrow, but I realized that he's not going to be here. T_T Ugh. I can't really do much at the moment; if this were an English EE, it'd be the equivalent of me not having the novel I need to start, since I don't have the sheet music for "A Prisoner from Warsaw," and I can't find it anywhere! Sigh.

The dreaded math "final" was today. To my delight, there weren't any super long 20-mark questions; in fact, all of them were 4-6 marks, and all of the were "relatively" easy. I hope I did well. :) Strangely, studying for it reminded me of my days in grade 9. Whether or not I thought that was a good year is definitely debatable... It was undoubtedly a year of change in more ways than one, and definitely not simply from making the transition into high school.

I've been sick the past few days. On Sunday, I woke up at 12:45PM, and literally spent the entire day in bed. I studied chem and math in preparation for their respective tests this week, but I swear I was half-delusional at the time. I wasn't coughing as much, but my throat was sore, and I was sneezing so much that I used up an entire box of tissues in only a couple of days. :( I went to school to write the chem test on Monday, but I couldn't take it anymore and went home after that block. Even though I wanted to just lie on my bed and sleep (especially after drinking some effective sleep-inducing Chinese herbal medication), I felt the need to desperately study for math. And so that's what I did... for 10 hours. Sigh.

The next day, it was the grad breakfast. The overly dry food made me feel sick and left a horrible taste in my mouth for the rest of the day and being sick and tired made me feel not that well for the duration of the meal, but other than that it was okay, I suppose. We got our letters that we wrote to ourselves in grade 9. After partially burning the envelop by accidentally placing it in a candle, I realized that what I had written was completely and utterly lame. I guess not much has changed really, but looking back at my grade 9 self, I realized that I've definitely grown a lot these past 4 years. Then again, rational and critical thinking after getting up at 6AM is definitely prone to mistake, so who knows.

Our happy table.

Being in my pajamas that day definitely made me a lot sleepier the entire day, though... I definitely fell asleep in history, sigh. The video we were watching talked about stuff that I, for the most part, already knew though, so it's okay.

Right now, I should be studying biology, doing other homework or practicing piano. I've got a master class on Sunday for my Beethoven sonata (eek!), and I've also got a festival in mid-November for that same piece. In addition, I have to prep for Model UN, find outfits for grad pictures and other grad-related events, and other such things. And instead, here I am, blogging. Sigh. One day, I'll end up like Anne with the way my time-management skills are going... But after such trials and tribulations, I think I deserve some kind of a break, right? :P

Well, I guess I should tackle some of my homework mountain now. *The Climb starts playing in the background..."

Up Out My Face

One thing that I've definitely learned this year:

Making friends because I want to have them as friends, not just for the sake of being friends.

It's not worth it to try to be friendly to somebody if they're not going to reciprocate it, they do something to wrong you or you just really don't like them.

Incompetence

So lately I've been feeling so incompetent. That thing about the strong-horse weak-horse is really getting to me. Maybe I'm not working as hard? Maybe I'm just getting stupid? Maybe I'm overreacting? I'm sure it's probably a combination of all three.

Upon receiving my math portfolio, I realized I didn't do that bad. However, a small part of me had wished for a better mark... Once again, it's not horrendous; it's just that I hope I don't get completely owned by moderation.

A similar thing happened with my English commentary on Othello: didn't do absolutely horrible, but could've done better. Definitely missed out on a few things that should've been obvious...

Thinking about the future, namely predicted marks, exams, grad, university acceptance... It's all pretty daunting. Maybe I just need to concentrate on the present for now. Haha.

"Wanna Go To Grad"

My epic rewrite of "Touch My Body," so that it's now a mating call for grad dates:

(Set to the tune of aforementioned song)
Wanna go to grad?
We can dress up,
Go in a limo,
Pick everyone up
Wanna go to grad?
I'll be in a suit
I wanna look like I never have before
Wanna go to grad?
Do my hair at a salon
I'll even shave
Just for this one day
Wanna go to grad?
We can eat and dance and talk,
Increase my photo count to 3,000 on FB, so
Wanna go to grad?

I don't know.

I just don't.

I wish I did.

I wish you knew.

It seems like life is a culmination of various different paths in the forest. They may all lead out of it, but the experience you get from doing so will inevitably vary depending on the decided pathway you choose.

Some are undoubtedly going to be more overbearing, dangerous and treacherous than others.

However, the important thing to remember is that no matter which road we take, we will always eventually end up at the end.

It's times like these when I have to remember to disregard fate and hold tighter to faith to guide me through this "forest" of my life. Whichever path I take is in His ultimate plan, and I just have to trust Him to guide me through safely.

What are my shadows? Indecision. Insecurity. Failure. Rejection. Isolation.

Yet they're all there, overshadowing the light. And it's times like these when I just have to wonder: "why."

Epiphany

It's times like these when I wish I had a male friend to confide in.

Yes, that does sound awkward.

EDIT: I found a substitute.

Languishing

If you could only see
That I was not put here for you
To judge me and dispute my inner most truth

And after all these years of enmity, envy and tears
It's a shame you don't know me at all

I was wondering
Would you cry for me?
If I told you that I couldn't breathe
If I was drowning, suffocating
If I told you that I couldn't breathe

Those ancient buried recollections
We transform them and select them
You have yours, I have mine
That's fine
While we're too torn to heal
Our stitch has never disappeared
I have mine, you have yours
I'm sure

And I was like, "Why are you so obsessed with me?"

To the one that I have to hide from on a Sunday night.

To the one(s?) that will only talk to me about school.

To the ones that will only ask me for help.

To the one that will only talk in circles.

To the one that holds a barren grudge.

To the one that will only talk to me about useless subjects I frankly don't want to listen to when I've got piles of homework.

To the one that looks upon me like an older brother, and uses my image as theirs.

To the one that won't let me drive.