When it all boils down

I thought I would be really happy to quit piano. I finally won't have to go home and resign myself to practicing for1.5 hours. However, when it all boils down to the last day before my exam, the feeling's actually kind of bittersweet. Yes, I'll finally be free, but this is something I've done for the past 11 years of my life. After all that, am I really willing to just give it up? Of course, I could just continue sporadically with lessons, but would they really be worth it if I'm so busy with school and, eventually, university? Also, how could I possibly motivate myself to the extent I'm at right now if I don't have the pressure of an oncoming exam to prepare for? Sigh.

L'avenir

The other day, a teacher asked me what the "plans for September" were. Of course, I instantly replied with "sciences," but he suggested "music, or at least arts" to me instead. I laughed it off at the time, but later, I really thought about it. 

I've always been "enlivened" by sciences; it was always so interesting to me, as nerdy as it sounds. Although I may resent it most of the time sometimes, such as when the work load's totally strenuous and overwhelming, I had always taken it as a given that I'd do sciences in university and then move on to either medical or dental school. Now, I'm not really sure. I certainly do stand firm by my choice with sciences, yet a small part of me wonders what my future would be like if I actually pursued music. Do I really think I have the talent to make it as some sort of a musical superstar? That life would be filled with way too many uncertainties for me to feel comfortable with. I'd have to constantly worry if I get enough gigs or record sales to make a profit or even stay afloat, and that would end up depending on whether or not people like me enough as an artist to support me with their funds. I'm not exactly the most talented person out there. Sure, I can play the pieces I'm being tested on in less than 2 days (!!!), but they're not exactly perfect. I may have (somewhat) big dreams and a passable level of talent, but what's going to separate me from the thousands upon thousands of people who also have those qualities and don't actually get anywhere? Am I to pull a Lady Gaga and burst on to the scene with my interesting style of dress, barely appropriate song lyrics and nonsensical stage antics? If only. Simply doing a major in music may not necessarily mean that I'm going to pursue it for the rest of my life. However, it would certainly be a welcome change, especially since I can apply to med school with any degree. I obviously wouldn't have the knowledge and experience that a science undergrad would provide for me, but I suppose it couldn't hurt, right? 

Of course, I could always double major in sciences and music, which would definitely show off my "versatility." However, after perusing around online for a bit, it seems like that would require a lot of work. Plus, music courses are harder to score well in, given the difficulty of theoretical and performance classes. I could always minor in music, but apparently that's "all theoretical." Sounds kinda lame to me, to be honest. 

It's funny; I hardly ever give any thought to my life after high school as a result of all the homework that I have to put up with consistently, and now I feel... confusion. I wish I could interpret my thoughts better. What exactly am I feeling, or am I even feeling at all? 

Maybe I'm just going crazy from the afternoon-long practices and the adequate amounts of sleep. On the other hand, perhaps these conflicting thoughts are placed in my mind in order to make me really realize that whatever path I choose, it's going to be my future: no doubts, no going back, 100%. 

Rebound

Sigh; resolution 3 was such a fail, but I think I saw that one coming back to haunt me anyways. Come to think of it, all my resolutions were major fails: I'm definitely not sleeping or exercising more at all. In fact, apart from the brief sprinting-jog I had today (it was cold and getting dark; jogging in the dark is scary because cars might hit me) and the 9 hours I got last night, the exact opposites of those two things are happening.

And I did so well for the first week, too... Oh well. Maybe I should think, "reminder to self: pray."

1 week, 2 days.

Looking back

As I walked into my living room towards my piano yesterday, I realized that there stood the item that I had slaved over for the greater part of my life. I thought to myself, "Wow... This collection of wood and metal that (supposedly) produces beautiful music essentially took away my adolescence."

When I was 7 and all the other kids played outside during dinnertime, why did I have to reject? "Sorry, I have piano." I still remember literally looking outside my window, seeing them play on the little strip of lawn belonging to them that bordered our lawn.

When I was 11 and invited to hang out with one of my neighbours, what did I say? "Sorry, I have to go practice piano."

When I was 16 and desperately stressed with IB, what did I still have to do instead of sleeping and finishing homework? "Brb, piano."

When I was 17 and wanted to actually leave my house during winter break, why couldn't I? "I have to piano."

I then contemplated the benefits. I'm sure they're embedded in there somewhere, but they're far and few between. Maybe I'll find them someday

On a side note, the week's been somewhat interesting. Lots of piano, not a lot of sleep (I calculated that I slept a grand total of 19 hours from Monday to Friday, which is the same amount some people get over the two days of the weekend), an okay amount of thought. Monday and Wednesday were definitely the... pinnacles of that situation. I wish I had more time to spare so that I could write the story, but it'll have to wait for now in favour of studying math and chem. I know that I have to write it out because it's the only thing that will really bring me closure and put a conclusion to this whole thing, but will I really be able to muster the willpower to dig that far deep?

Inadequacy

Right now, I'm sitting here coughing away in front of my computer while listening to the gurgling of the humidifier and thinking about when dinner is. This humidifier somewhat fails; while my room does feel a little less dry, the air that comes out is cold. :( Brr; I'm freezing now. Being cold is definitely not a good condition to be in during an illness, if this can even be counted as one. I don't necessarily feel horrible, but sometimes that "sick feeling" washes over me at completely random times, and I feel absolutely exhausted. In addition to those fun things, my eyes are sore, my sinuses are constantly clogged, my ear feels really stuffy, my voice is dying, and I keep having random coughs of varying severity. X_X Ugh. I read in a useless biology case study that stress reduces the amount of white blood cells in your body. Obviously, I wouldn't be surprised if that were happening to me.

Well, now it's time to complain about (academic) life, which is all I do on here anyways. A while ago, I blogged about how I felt incompetent. Going through the past few months, that feeling slowly ebbed away. Unfortunately, it came back today in English class, when I got one of my lowest essay marks ever. Okay, so it's better than that life-shattering 12/25 I got last year, but only slightly. And that's the thing: such a mark decided to impose itself on me at a highly inconvenient time, since it's the middle of Year 2, and predicted marks are coming up pretty darn soon. I don't even know if I deserved the mark or not; he seemed to mark me down mainly for being a bit vague on some things. I overheard him mentioning grammatical issues to other people, but he didn't even say anything extremely significant to me... He then proceeded to round it off by saying that on some days with some topics, I may not be able to succeed. Still, I don't see how in the world I could go from 6s and 7s to... this. I thought everybody's supposed to be moving forwards, not taking steps backwards. I honestly feel like giving back my IB English 11 award and giving it to somebody who actually deserves it, not some loner fob of a failure.

Nevertheless, I'll have to admit that something's up with my English and language skills. It seems like I can't connect ideas and make them flow as well anymore. I'm guessing it's a combined factor of how I always thought in French for the latter part of the last schooling year, the fact that I spend most of my time at home during weekends simply sitting in my room and not communicating with anybody and my concentration on other subjects besides English.

On top of all that, I'm completely hopeless for piano now. I may have memorized all of my pieces at some point in time, but I'll have random splurges where I'll just forget what to play next. Also, there are some works that I can't even play that well in the first place. I know I need more time to practice, but how am I supposed to fit that in with schooling? Four hours of practice each weekday would simply be impossible unless I subjected myself to even later sleeping times...

Yes, it's sad how school and academics seem to affect me so much. What's the reason? Why can't I just let go and live? Is it a desire to live up to the expectations of my parents? Is it a worry for my future? Is it just my personality?

As melodramatic as it sounds, sometimes I wish I could just shake the shackles off and live: to feel the wind on my face as I forget about it all... If only.

It's going down like a denominator

I'm waiting for dinner before practicing piano, so I guess I'll blog. There is, once again, not much going on in my life, but since I have nothing better to do in 15 minutes, I'll write random, meaningless things here.

My EE is still non-existent at this moment. I was going to talk to him again, but he mysteriously vanished today. Instead, I had one of the worst band classes ever; the time went by very, very slowly. I tried to pass it by studying biology, but the weird thing about ecology is that it's easy to be under the illusion that you know it all. Deducing primary consumers from secondary isn't a hard process at all, and I was therefore aptly reminded of the reasons why I always study or do homework in band. At the same time, the magnitude of my regret for not dropping the course while I still could was definitely accentuated by today. I could've made my escape from something useless to something seemingly productive but likely to end up useless anyways (aka a study block), but nooo, I chose to be "cool" and continue suffering. Oh well.

Surprisingly, my math and biology test marks somehow ended up nicely. If it's one thing I hate, it's me blogging about marks; but once again, I don't really have much else to say. Those were definitely, um, "highlights" of my day I guess.

After dinner, I should practice piano, do TOK, and maybe do some EE books. My EE books went overdue... for like 5 days... and I have like, 20... FML. At least piano is "okay;" yesterday, I played after taking a three-day sick break, and somehow, the keys felt really crisp to me. Sometimes, when I'm stuck in the routine of having to play 1.5-2 hours every single day, I kind of lose that nice feeling the piano gives me. Although I can't do this all the time, letting my fingers rest for a while was definitely a good enough sacrifice.

Well, that blog was about nothing.