I am senseless

Could we pretend that airplanes 
In the night sky 
Are like shooting stars 
I could really use a wish right now (Wish right now, Wish right now) 
I'm praying that this stairway 
Leads somewhere like Heaven's door 
And when you get there, don't look down (Don't look down, Don't look down) 

I remember the first day of school, 
When you walked right next to me 
You taught me everything that I know 
And you always knew what to say 
Time goes on 
Now every word in every damn song 
Reminds me of your face (You were part of me, You were part of me) 
I didn't know everything I've got 
Now I know that you are gone 
Feel you right here next to me 
Though I know that you've moved on 
But the hardest thing of all is knowing 
I didn't get to say (You were everything, You were everything) 

Could we pretend that airplanes 
In the night sky 
Are like shooting stars 
I could really use a wish right now (Wish right now, Wish right now, now) 
I'm praying that this stairway 
Leads somewhere like Heaven's door 
And when you get there, don't look down (Don't look down, Don't look down) 

And all the people say, 
Iiii Iiii Iiii Ha 
And all the people say, 
Iiii Iiii Iiii Uh 
Listen 
Oh 

People kill what they don't understand 
All the legends they die in, at the hands of lesser men 
Jesus and JFK and Marvin and Biggie Man 
I wonder if life after death 
Was ever fair for them 
Live in the moment, 
I was never really one to plan 
So many things I wasn't meant ever to understand 
What if Alice imagined her trip to Wonderland 
And why didn't Paul have shoes 
Like the rest of them did 
So many memories I passed up when I was away 
All the experiences I couldn't ever replace 
All the million times my heart, a part of it break 
I guess I'm harder for the hardships that I had to face 
Before every single show, I pray 'til I sweat 
I give my heart to a thousand people I never met 
And then I let it all go, the pain and regret 
Hope God forgive me 
For the sins that I'm about to commit 
Don't wanna get by, I wanna excel 
I know life is like the crossroads for heaven and hell 
Right and wrong, sometimes It's just so hard to tell 
But at least I'm saving others If I'm losing myself 

Could we pretend that airplanes 
In the night sky 
Are like shooting stars 
I could really use a wish right now (Wish right now, wish right now) 
I'm praying that this stairway 
Leads somewhere like Heaven's door 
And when you get there, don't look down (Don't look down, don't look down) 

Airplanes in the night sky 
Are like shooting stars 
I could really use a wish right now

Gluttony is a sin.

I am a sinner.

Someday Soon

I think it's time to put myself away
Seek out a little silence
Close the doors and sit a while
Walk a little

And as I put my words away
The flow slows
See this penny in a stream
Picking it up is easy.

Follow the shape of it.
Jump in.
Swallow it whole.
Jump in.

Even though I know my way around
Possibly there's something new I found
Holding on for finding solid ground
Someday soon.
Someday soon.

I'll turn myself into the grass
And I'll grow
Take this space above my head
And live a little, little.

Gonna wear my feathered headdress
Like an Indian chief.
Gonna stretch out both my arms
I'm gonna test the temperature.

Follow the taste of it.
Jump in.
Swallow it whole.
Jump in.

Even though I know my way around (even though)
Possibly there's something new I found (possibly I, possibly I)
Holding on for finding solid ground (ohh..)
Even though I know my way around (even though)
Possibly there's something new I found (possibly I, possibly I)
Holding on for finding solid ground (ohh..)
Someday soon.
Someday soon.

Maybe walk a little
Someday soon. 

What am I doing?

Stop sitting here staring into space. Man up and do this.
You don't want to do something that you'll probably regret for the rest of your life.

There are some chances you have to take. There are some you just shouldn't even consider.
Frankly, you won't be missing much anyways.

Edge of Uncertainty

"Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So, throw off the bowlines: sail away from the safe harbour, catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."

-Mark Twain

A Brush of Blonde

How often do we simply press "Accept" on Terms and Agreements without ever actually reading them? We tend to assume that whatever they have to say won't have such a great effect upon us anyways. In fact, what with all the legal nonsense that's often included within them, who really knows what they're really saying?

Given the above, how many times does our carelessness come back to bite us from behind? Take Facebook, for example. I'm pretty sure it caused quite an outrage with the whole private policy change a few months ago with photos. A lot of people seemed to be suddenly conscious of themselves when they discovered that photographs of them snogging their ex-lovers or getting wasted at parties could suddenly be up for grabs by third-party organizations. I know that the policy was introduced at a time when Facebook was peaking in popularity, but what if it had been in the original Terms and Agreements? Would anybody have batted an eye at that clause? Probably not, and this would have thus been their own fault.

Today, something careless that I did came back to, if I were to put it colloquially, bite me in the ass. It was but the day before when I suddenly realized that I was actually a U1 student at McGill, not a U0 student like I had originally thought. An explanation: in Quebec, high school continues for most youth until Grade 11, when they then enter a CEGEP program that's the equivalent of Grade 12 and the first year of university. Apparently, McGill registers a recipient of the IB Diploma as having completed an equivalent program to the first year of university: the U0 year. As a result, I'm now technically a second year student. Bizarre, no? My mind was totally blown; mind = blown for sure.

Unfortunately, this doesn't really change much. Except for Biology, which I have credits from, I still have a bunch of other prequisites, such as Chemistry, Physics and Mathematics to worry about. It's apparently possible for me to graduate in 3 years, but I'd probably have to do summer courses as well as overload all my semesters, which definitely doesn't sound too appetizing to me.

All of this has simply been mind-blowing for me these past few days. I've tried to research it extensively at work, but it felt like a sudden rush was overcoming my mind with panic and confusion. What courses do I need? Do I have enough? Which courses sound interesting and beneficial towards my GPA?

Of course, there is also a much greater issue at risk. When I applied for McGill last December, I put Cell Biology and Anatomy as my first-choice program and Microbiology and Immunology as a second, thinking "whatever" with it. As a result, when I was accepted for the former in February and the latter in mid-May, I completely disregarded the latter and declined it, accepting the offer for the former, easy entry program instead. Of course, therein lies the problem: I didn't know that Microbiology and Immunology was something that most people apply for after their first U0 year at McGill. I didn't know that people actually get put on waiting lists and eventually get rejected from the program. I didn't know that it was actually a bit of a big deal. I didn't know, I didn't know, I didn't know.


Why didn't I know? Because of my own incompetence and foolishness: I never actually bothered to look at what I thought I was getting myself into, and now I simply feel... stupid. Stupid and blonde, whom I've had a brush with. I know I can just re-apply after my next year, but I can't help but feel like I've wasted my first year at McGill when I could've gone further if I were in the actual program. Most 100-level courses are applicable for the vast majority of programs anyways, so I suppose it's not a hugely significant loss. Still, I feel like I've been given the both the Gold and Silver medals at the Olympics, and I ended up accepting the Silver because I thought it looked shinier or something.

Furthermore, who's to say that I'll even be able to get in at the end of next year? Like I said, hopefuls wait for months on waiting lists and never get in. I highly doubt I'll be able to impress anybody at this time next year - I'll just be another student to them, not the IB student with the (hopelessly) predicted mark of 45. Wow, I sound cocky there. I guess I can't help how I feel and what I think; no point in censoring myself too much. Yet again, something that I had an advantage in, but ended up wasting.

Of course, I have nobody to blame but myself. I am the cause of my own misfortune, and I am also the cause to the subsequent reaction towards its discovery. Me, me, me. Me, myself & I. I hate being told I'm wrong. It's not that I'm not open to new ideas or being corrected. Well, to be honest, I think it's a combination of that as well as a fear of making mistakes. I suppose this is a pretty big one in my head, at least.

I guess this is the first real blog post that I've made in a long time. Self, welcome back to shamelessly and openly spilling out my thoughts to nobody. I really have no idea why, but I just feel this imminent sadness coming from within me tonight after I realized my major mistake. I'm probably being melodramatic and overplaying this entire situation, but I guess I can't really help it if that's how I feel right now. Whenever I feel sad, I tell myself to stop being sad and be awesome instead. However, just being awesome isn't going to cut it this time, I'm afraid. I think a bit of intelligence would've been nice, as a matter of fact.

I know it's a common stereotype that's probably not entirely true. People say that Asians are bad drivers and women should be homemakers, but they've gained those stereotypes for a reason. In this case, I've adopted another: this officially confirms that I am blonde at heart. New style change when I get to McGill - all those in favour?

Distance and Time

You were always on my mind
All I do is count the days
Where are you now?
No I'll never let you down
I will never go away
I really wish that you would stay but what would we do
All the days that you've been gone, I dream about you
And I anticipate the day that you will come home, come home

No matter how far you are,
No matter how long it takes 'em,
Through distance and time; I'll be waiting,
And if you have to walk a million miles,
I'll wait a million days to see your smile,
Distance and time; I'll be waiting
Distance and time; I'll be waiting

Will you take a train to meet me where I am,
Are you on your way?
And I will never do anything to hurt you
I'll never leave without you
I really wish that you would stay but what would we do,
All the days that you've been gone, I dream about you,
And I anticipate the day that you will come home, come home

No matter how far you are,

No matter how long it takes 'em,

Through distance and time; I'll be waiting, 

And if you have to walk a million miles,

I'll wait a million days to see your smile,

Distance and time; I'll be waiting

Distance and time; I'll be waiting

You were always on my mind,

All I do is count the days,

Where are you now?

Reminder to self

Courses I've decided on so far, oh man. This is such a great usage of my time at work.

Fall term:
BIOL 200 (3)
MATH 140 (3)
PHYS 131 (4)
CHEM 115 (6) or CHEM 110 (4) and CHEM 112 (1)
CHEM 212 (4)

Winter term:
Some bio and chem courses, most likely.

I'm not entirely sure about the chem courses yet. I need CHEM 212 to do BIOL 200 since I don't have first-year chemistry credits (why didn't PA have HL Chem?), but in order to do that, I'd have to either do CHEM 115, an intensive beginner chemistry course, in the fall term, since CHEM 212 requires CHEM 110 or equivalent as a prerequisite, or do CHEM 110 and CHEM 112 together. CHEM 115 is apparently equal to CHEM 120 in terms of prerequisites, but the former requires a grade of 95% in a Grade 12 chemistry course, which I think I technically have with my 7 in IB Chemistry Stupid Level (aka SL) course. However, I wonder if it'd be better for my GPA if I were to do a less intensive CHEM course and spread it out more, especially since I need more courses to actually boost my GPA. BIOL 200 only being available during the fall term is also highly inconvenient to me, since that means I'll have to dump a load of other courses in the same semester in order to be able to be in that course.

I'm also considering FRSL as an option, although I'd have to get right to FRSL 207, as most of the 100-level courses are for complete beginners. On the other hand, I'm wondering if that really is the best option, as I'd think that I'd be better off finding a course that will actually boost my GPA quite significantly.

Music electives are also an option for me, but I often find that it's pretty hard to do extremely well in them. Sigh, this course thing really does take a lot of thought. Good thing I have a couple of weeks left to keep looking.

A Thought

I miss blogging. :( I'll have to do it more often from now on...

FML

Why didn't I go to a school that had a Group 3 subject other than History HL?


Why didn't I go to a school that had Chemistry HL, something that I'd like better and would actually be useful for me?


Why didn't I pick a place that did drama for English Paper 2 instead of "epic" (fail) works for poetry?


Why have I just wasted the last 2 hours complaining about all of this?


It's too late to complain and have regrets, but at least it feels good.


Okay, maybe that was a little melodramatic. History didn't go as completely suckish as I thought, but I'm definitely going to flee from historical studies in the future.

(love song, with two goldfish)

(He's a drifter, always

floating around her, has
nowhere else to go. He wishes
she would sing, not much, just the scales;
or take some notice,
give him the fish eye.)

(Bounded by round walls
she makes fish eyes
and kissy lips at him, darts
behind pebbles, swallows
his charms hook, line and sinker)

(He's bowled over. He would
take her to the ocean, they could
count the waves. There,
in the submarine silence, they would share
their deepest secrets. Dive for pearls
like stars.)

(But her love's since
gone belly-up. His heart sinks
like a fish. He drinks
like a stone. Drowns those sorrows,
stares emptily through glass.)

(the reason, she said
she wanted)
(and he could not give)
a life
beyond the
(bowl)

Indecisive

UBC or McGill?

It's May tomorrow.

I've separated my work areas. Now, my bedroom is specifically for History and English, and my other room is for the sciences and math. I'm pretty sure I've spent more time preparing to study than actually studying.

Last day of high school today. As cliche as it sounds, walking through the halls of the high school for the first time in Grade 9 really did feel like yesterday - a very long day of happiness and sadness; peace and conflict; relaxation and stress. I suppose I'll miss it, but I am more than ready to finally move on.

4 days left until I pass through those gates;
11 days left before I cross the river Styx;
19 days left before I climb up Satan's back to see the glittering stars shining again...

You know you're IB when...

You know you're IB when you procrastinate from studying history by studying chemistry and biology instead.

12 days left... I wish I had better memory retention for history. :(

Last day of high school tomorrow, woah. I'm sure photographs will be taken, but unfortunately, I'll probably look like a half-alive wraith in most of them as a result of my severe lack of sleep.

Oh, boohoo.

I swear I forget the things I read for history two minutes later. It doesn't really stick in my head when I'm trying to cram the history of the past century into my head in the span of about two and a half weeks.

FML. I wish the clocks would stop ticking.

11 days?

No,
we're,
not,
ready for hell, hell;
No, for hell, hell no.

The majority of people who try to talk to me about non-school stuff at the moment amuse me. Do you honestly think I care right now? Nope.

The Limits of Mankind

It's time to see exactly how much the human mind can handle.

2 weeks.

To-Do List: Extreme Version

Just because I need to.

• Finish up biochemistry option unit for Chem
• Review all of the non-human physiology units for Bio
• Start studying for History Paper 2
• Assemble and prepare notes specific to History Paper 3
• Math May 2002 papers (maybe) 
• Update English notes
• Finish memorizing Milton lines and begin memorizing Donne
• Practice with an English Paper 1 (maybe)
• Write SFU cover letter
• CAS forms

Ahhh. 

Abstinence

I'm quitting Facebook for now. I came to the realization that opening Google Chrome every 5 minutes to go stalk pictures of people, trade ingredients with myself or comment on their statuses for hours on end wasn't really the best use of my time, especially since exams are coming up in less than 4 weeks. After all, there are some people who can survive without having one completely, right? They're not exactly dead from deprivation yet, so I'm guessing I'm not going to die by not logging on for a single month. Thus, I have bid farewell to the blue and white and greeted my semi-colourful textbooks with half-opened arms. I'm sure it can't be that bad... I'll just have to find a better way to kill time when my mind does burn out every few hours. YouTube, Blogger, Twitter, "the N-game," and MSN are still open to me, anyways. Here's hoping that abstinence truly is the best policy.



Keys together, abstinence!

I'm just being me.

So instead of doing anything that's actually productive, I made MSN display pics with all of my textbooks.

Happy studies, folks.