Anti-Reconciliation

And there I go again. 

Nevertheless, it made me come to terms with my disdain for people who lay all the blame for their sins on Satan and constantly saying how he's always just "waiting at every corner for an opportunity to waylay us." Okay, so he's obviously going to have to get some of the blame for tempting us and trying to draw us away from God. However, the point remains that we're the ones putting ourselves through that sinful action in the first place. Instead of simply blaming Satan and shifting the guilt away in thinking that, "Oh, it's Satan's fault, not mine: I'm innocent," perhaps we should seek to reap what we sow and admit that we've willingly sinned.

On the other hand, it's hard to overcome that most of the time. 

Looking back

As I walked into my living room towards my piano yesterday, I realized that there stood the item that I had slaved over for the greater part of my life. I thought to myself, "Wow... This collection of wood and metal that (supposedly) produces beautiful music essentially took away my adolescence."

When I was 7 and all the other kids played outside during dinnertime, why did I have to reject? "Sorry, I have piano." I still remember literally looking outside my window, seeing them play on the little strip of lawn belonging to them that bordered our lawn.

When I was 11 and invited to hang out with one of my neighbours, what did I say? "Sorry, I have to go practice piano."

When I was 16 and desperately stressed with IB, what did I still have to do instead of sleeping and finishing homework? "Brb, piano."

When I was 17 and wanted to actually leave my house during winter break, why couldn't I? "I have to piano."

I then contemplated the benefits. I'm sure they're embedded in there somewhere, but they're far and few between. Maybe I'll find them someday

On a side note, the week's been somewhat interesting. Lots of piano, not a lot of sleep (I calculated that I slept a grand total of 19 hours from Monday to Friday, which is the same amount some people get over the two days of the weekend), an okay amount of thought. Monday and Wednesday were definitely the... pinnacles of that situation. I wish I had more time to spare so that I could write the story, but it'll have to wait for now in favour of studying math and chem. I know that I have to write it out because it's the only thing that will really bring me closure and put a conclusion to this whole thing, but will I really be able to muster the willpower to dig that far deep?

Sleepless

I had a very interesting day today. After staying up till 5am every night, I tried to sleep at 2am last night after studying a bit of math, but trying to sleep was futile. I lay there for 4 hours, tossing and turning, reading the Bible, praying, listening to music, yoga, meditating (on God), watching TV, drinking water - you name the technique, it didn't work for me. So, by 6am, I cracked open my laptop and went on Facebook for an hour before "waking up." I spent the entire day halfway between collapsing and hysterics: everything seemed really funny during one moment, but the next, my eyelids would be drooping and my head would be balanced on my hand. Yes, today was not a fun day.

But there was something... interesting. I confined. It was awkward, and I was half hysterical. And now I'm not sure what to make of it. I could feel that God had wanted me to tell for quite some time, but why exactly? Maybe it made me realize this: while I've been praying for God's strength to overcome this, I need more than just His strength: I need Him in my life, in my mind, in my body, in my soul. After all, the strength of the Lord isn't a rental car I can take for a spin and return later when I don't need it. It's a really, really nice car that I want to fully buy all the rights to and not even pay lease, because that's how cool it is. I suppose praying for God's strength for assistance isn't necessarily wrong, but when it's just for assistance: perhaps that's the real issue there.

But who knows. I should sleep soon, but I hope I'm not kept awake by the guilt, shame and self-disgust that have plagued my nights for the past couple of weeks. Now that'd be a shame.

1 Corinthians 10:13

"No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it." 

The "Naughty Noughties" are no more

2009... Wow, what a year. Lots of new experiences and good memories, lots of people dying, lots of new people in my life, and a good number of not-so-good times. But would I say it was an awesome, life-changing year? In some ways, yes; but the slightly scary thing is that 2010 will be even more of a revolutionary year. And, good riddance, I'm ready to embrace it with open arms.

My New Years Resolutions? I say they're pretty important, especially since it's a whole new decade and everything. Here it goes:

1. Exercise more - do I want to be a skinny-armed, fat-bodied Asian boy forever?
2. Finish my EE - that shiz just has to get off of my plate and out of my mind!
3. Stop committing that one sin - it's funny how I've tried to shake it off for so long, and yet I've never succeeded. It's popped up on so many "resolution" lists that it's practically become recurring. Why do all the worst things in life just feel so good. On the other hand, what kind of temptation can stand in the face of the Lord, anyways? Mmhmm; black sin, you're going down this year, this decade, this life.

And there we go, nice and simple. Can't be that hard, eh?