Last night, I failed at sleeping again. Earlier that evening, I had already learned to accept the inevitable in that I probably wasn't going to be able to sleep for quite some time, especially given that I had slept at 4am the night before. With this in mind, I attempted to get some quotes from Dante for my World Lit essay, but I ended up spending hours on Facebook and YouTube instead. I have no idea what's wrong with my motivation. Usually, the guilt from not doing work and wasting time always got to me, and I was always able to make myself accomplish things with that in mind. However, the guilt seems to be have been displaced by the sheer width of all the things that I have to do in the next little while, particularly all the scholarship applications. Sigh. With the great expectations that come with exceptional blessings, the pressure is accentuated to an unimaginable extent. I honestly don't feel as if I could live up to the "role" that seems to have been bestowed up on me. Sigh, again.
Back to my sleeping issues: I attempted to call it a night at around 2:45am, but I didn't actually end up falling asleep until 5:30am. Needless to say my hours of slumber were extremely fleeting, and it felt like I had just managed to fall asleep when I was promptly awoken about an hour and a half later. Joy. I attempted to caffeinate myself, and although I no longer felt tired, I didn't exactly feel that great either. Physical health issues aside, I can't help but turn to the spiritual aspects of my insomnia. The last time I had such an epic failure in slumber, I could feel that God was trying to tell me to do something that was vital to my relationship with Him; something that I had lived with for years, but never managed to shake off. Although I may have succeeded in climbing out of that pit for a short while, I fell again, only to land at an even deeper depth than what I was at before. I can only wonder what God's trying to tell me this time; a similar message, I'm sure, but who knows.
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